tEa TiMe!!!
Monday, November 29, 2004
shux... i feel crappy
sometimes emotions are just too unreliable yet largely influential. I don't like it when emotions sway my rationale. I usually get worse than a guilty criminal.. It's sucky. When your head says no but your emotions are dying to do it and then you do it... Hugely hypocrital. Emotions are treacherous. Not only do they sway me in making wrong decisions. They also sometimes, when I don't feel God around, make me backslide from Him! Sometimes I wish I'm numb. But i can't because eventually when the sensitivity to emotions comes back, I'd feel worse for being insensitive...
Argh....
It's crappy when you don't know what to do. It's crappy when you wanted balance and there's this emotion stuff that causes imbalance while the mind tries to oversee balance...
Argh again...
Such a traitor...
But simply unavoidable...
What could a frustrated (emotion again) soul do?
¶ 5:12 PM 0 comments
Argh....
It's crappy when you don't know what to do. It's crappy when you wanted balance and there's this emotion stuff that causes imbalance while the mind tries to oversee balance...
Argh again...
Such a traitor...
But simply unavoidable...
What could a frustrated (emotion again) soul do?
¶ 5:12 PM 0 comments
Sunday, November 28, 2004
another of my "instincts" or itstinks!
did the cat went out of the bag oredi?
I have this feeling though. But I do not want to know... I don't want anything get breached, especially the T word. Not my T!
Oh well...
ahhhh! my mom called!
our dance rocked!
God is good!
¶ 10:56 PM 0 comments
I have this feeling though. But I do not want to know... I don't want anything get breached, especially the T word. Not my T!
Oh well...
ahhhh! my mom called!
our dance rocked!
God is good!
¶ 10:56 PM 0 comments
haha... FYI
my mom called because I smsed her telling that I think I'm going insane...
she called right away! wee!
I'm insane because I missed her calls, and nearly missed more than half of my source of this world's inspiration to study well.. Yup, I lost it all the while.... But I know God has a plan for me =).... No reason to die crying about it! hehe...
The less than half of my inspiration? The pathetic human pride that God has been trying to shed off from me. =P... It never carried me through.
zat's ol! had 2 posts for a day! wee again!
P.S. I want to play computer games with my big handsome brother!
P.S.S. I think I'm starting to like the other me... She is practically frank! hihihi
P.S.S.S. the previous post? more like with the help of the other me =)... hahaha... I'm not getting strange here okay? We all have our serious sides =).
P.S.S.S.S. My big brother rocks! =P
¶ 5:22 AM 0 comments
she called right away! wee!
I'm insane because I missed her calls, and nearly missed more than half of my source of this world's inspiration to study well.. Yup, I lost it all the while.... But I know God has a plan for me =).... No reason to die crying about it! hehe...
The less than half of my inspiration? The pathetic human pride that God has been trying to shed off from me. =P... It never carried me through.
zat's ol! had 2 posts for a day! wee again!
P.S. I want to play computer games with my big handsome brother!
P.S.S. I think I'm starting to like the other me... She is practically frank! hihihi
P.S.S.S. the previous post? more like with the help of the other me =)... hahaha... I'm not getting strange here okay? We all have our serious sides =).
P.S.S.S.S. My big brother rocks! =P
¶ 5:22 AM 0 comments
crimson daylight
hehe... pointless title actually... Now, i just realized that the shade of red I like most is crimson.. It is just so not-flashy yet elegant... heeeheee... I like crimson! yeah it may appear pinkish BUT pink is a shade of red anyway... =P and yeah, i like those non-flashy shades of blue... I like the light and the simply darker ones... but the actual blue...err.. it's kinda flashy. what i mean by flashy is that it hurts MY eyes, so it's a biased definition...
so wassup with me?
my mom finally called! she has been trying to call me during my finals, which she usually does before, and in fact, her calls are one of my big sources of inspiration (AS IN). Apparently, this sem I'm not contactable (as a result, I got not much pushy inspirations), thanks to my gross deficit... I actually abhor myself for it...haha... abhor! abhor!...duh =P
yeah... i did abhor myself for not taking such things to account while i carelessly "budgeted" my spendings... Thank God I still got my mom and my super generous aunt, who He used to sustain me. And my nice aunt actually comes from the army--> I just like her job... hehe... I like her job! really!
God provides... Even the seemingly impossible things to get, He gives... How could a poor girl, like for 3 months of her life wear a gold gucci watch? (and lost it eventually =D... hay... i should have sold it for a thousand dollars...hihihi... just kidding) Get a personal laptop at age 17, acquire expensive things that she never brought. (i.e. branded stuff like victoria's secret, LV, levis, etc...) ... Study in a school abroad? NOW, OOOPS YOU STOP THERE! I'm not bragging about them for I do not get my worth from them. I do not even care that much... You see, God provides and there is nothing impossible in Him... If you think of the world and spend your life to get the worldly things you want, you are but wasting your life... Definitely, you will fade with the world. You see, I did not do a thing but the Lord in a way pampers me because I am His child and I hope you are too... But if you are a silly rich kid or a desperate wanna-be, you can think all you want about how cheapskate I am for bragging about those stuff (and even use them as my approach to convince worldly people)... But heck, wealth is really about how contented you are about what you got. I am contended with God... No, that's not it, I am more than provided in Him... Anyway, while you were amassing you're worldly things, did you really find joy in them? As in a lasting joy? If you do, why do you end up throwing them away when they are worn out? I got a God, and a Father who is the same forever more! Enduring joy? Don't make me laugh, it (the enduring word) is not even defined in His "joy dictionary", only eternal.
Heh... I do admit, sometimes I get drowned in the world. The wants and temptations get so overwhelming and I can barely overpower, but then it's normal I believe. Because through them, I may call on my Lord and ask for more of His mercy and grace, and let the Holy Spirit teach me... Learn, then move on... It's not easy, nobody said it is, but it's manageable with my Lord. It's just that IM NOT PERFECT... and compared to the entities surrounding Him, I am utterly nothing...
It's quite depressing to know how imperfect we are. Depressing maybe because we are really bound to be perfect for the One who created us is perfect. We are wired and bound to perfection.
Getting weird eh?
Why do I reason as such? To make an excuse for unanswered doubts? NO. I strongly believe it is just the way we are. It's a basic fact that many people try to deny or simply deny, thanks to the gift of freewill, we can freely think and act all we want. One can laugh about a reasoning Christian like me, don't give an ear to preached gospels, reject people who wants to spread the good news... But here's the news my friends, when we speak we do not really care too much whether everybody accepts the Word (although we really want everybody) or not because only those who listen and receive are the ones from God. They are called. And we speak for them. (I also hope that you are one of them). This is not poisoning the well, this is the truth. Now if you don't believe me... well, it's your choice. Who am I anyway? I just happen to be a blogger who wants everybody be saved... and this is but the means I could do so far.
Now if You are asking me why God in the first place gave us free-will. I think the more proper question to ask is "which love is stronger, that from a robot or from an individual who, given with infinite choices, chose Him?"
Man has fallen short of God's glory. We are sinners and we deserve to be punished and are actually by default destined to suffer for what we have done. But because of God's immeasureable love, He sent His Son as our sacrifice of atonement. A one time offering who is enough to save us all (from the past to the future), if we believe in Him and accept Him as our Savior... Quite a long story though... hehe... but here's what, God placed everything under Jesus' feet until the harvest is done... =)
hehe... I do love my God, my Father at the same time... I may have lost my biological father but I have not lost Him... In fact, I noticed Him after losing the father I thought I only have... thanks to my stubbornness God had to call me that way. I knew the method was something He did not like for me because it's painful, but He sees what's ahead. The long-term results outweigh the means. I somehow have a good understanding of why things turned out that way. Now, I'm glad that at least I heard His call before He had to take away more... I just pray I wont get too stubborn again, despite all His obvious doings in my life, to turn away from Him...
He is the Wisest Father ever!
¶ 3:58 AM 0 comments
so wassup with me?
my mom finally called! she has been trying to call me during my finals, which she usually does before, and in fact, her calls are one of my big sources of inspiration (AS IN). Apparently, this sem I'm not contactable (as a result, I got not much pushy inspirations), thanks to my gross deficit... I actually abhor myself for it...haha... abhor! abhor!...duh =P
yeah... i did abhor myself for not taking such things to account while i carelessly "budgeted" my spendings... Thank God I still got my mom and my super generous aunt, who He used to sustain me. And my nice aunt actually comes from the army--> I just like her job... hehe... I like her job! really!
God provides... Even the seemingly impossible things to get, He gives... How could a poor girl, like for 3 months of her life wear a gold gucci watch? (and lost it eventually =D... hay... i should have sold it for a thousand dollars...hihihi... just kidding) Get a personal laptop at age 17, acquire expensive things that she never brought. (i.e. branded stuff like victoria's secret, LV, levis, etc...) ... Study in a school abroad? NOW, OOOPS YOU STOP THERE! I'm not bragging about them for I do not get my worth from them. I do not even care that much... You see, God provides and there is nothing impossible in Him... If you think of the world and spend your life to get the worldly things you want, you are but wasting your life... Definitely, you will fade with the world. You see, I did not do a thing but the Lord in a way pampers me because I am His child and I hope you are too... But if you are a silly rich kid or a desperate wanna-be, you can think all you want about how cheapskate I am for bragging about those stuff (and even use them as my approach to convince worldly people)... But heck, wealth is really about how contented you are about what you got. I am contended with God... No, that's not it, I am more than provided in Him... Anyway, while you were amassing you're worldly things, did you really find joy in them? As in a lasting joy? If you do, why do you end up throwing them away when they are worn out? I got a God, and a Father who is the same forever more! Enduring joy? Don't make me laugh, it (the enduring word) is not even defined in His "joy dictionary", only eternal.
Heh... I do admit, sometimes I get drowned in the world. The wants and temptations get so overwhelming and I can barely overpower, but then it's normal I believe. Because through them, I may call on my Lord and ask for more of His mercy and grace, and let the Holy Spirit teach me... Learn, then move on... It's not easy, nobody said it is, but it's manageable with my Lord. It's just that IM NOT PERFECT... and compared to the entities surrounding Him, I am utterly nothing...
It's quite depressing to know how imperfect we are. Depressing maybe because we are really bound to be perfect for the One who created us is perfect. We are wired and bound to perfection.
Getting weird eh?
Why do I reason as such? To make an excuse for unanswered doubts? NO. I strongly believe it is just the way we are. It's a basic fact that many people try to deny or simply deny, thanks to the gift of freewill, we can freely think and act all we want. One can laugh about a reasoning Christian like me, don't give an ear to preached gospels, reject people who wants to spread the good news... But here's the news my friends, when we speak we do not really care too much whether everybody accepts the Word (although we really want everybody) or not because only those who listen and receive are the ones from God. They are called. And we speak for them. (I also hope that you are one of them). This is not poisoning the well, this is the truth. Now if you don't believe me... well, it's your choice. Who am I anyway? I just happen to be a blogger who wants everybody be saved... and this is but the means I could do so far.
Now if You are asking me why God in the first place gave us free-will. I think the more proper question to ask is "which love is stronger, that from a robot or from an individual who, given with infinite choices, chose Him?"
Man has fallen short of God's glory. We are sinners and we deserve to be punished and are actually by default destined to suffer for what we have done. But because of God's immeasureable love, He sent His Son as our sacrifice of atonement. A one time offering who is enough to save us all (from the past to the future), if we believe in Him and accept Him as our Savior... Quite a long story though... hehe... but here's what, God placed everything under Jesus' feet until the harvest is done... =)
hehe... I do love my God, my Father at the same time... I may have lost my biological father but I have not lost Him... In fact, I noticed Him after losing the father I thought I only have... thanks to my stubbornness God had to call me that way. I knew the method was something He did not like for me because it's painful, but He sees what's ahead. The long-term results outweigh the means. I somehow have a good understanding of why things turned out that way. Now, I'm glad that at least I heard His call before He had to take away more... I just pray I wont get too stubborn again, despite all His obvious doings in my life, to turn away from Him...
He is the Wisest Father ever!
¶ 3:58 AM 0 comments
Wednesday, November 24, 2004
the bloody other me
*LOL*
not only did my previous post confuses people but now it confuses me...
haha... the author wasn't me but the other cynic me, criticizing err ... herself! (and that's not me) hahhahahahahah...
she rarely comes out because I always repress her... She's umm... stubborn? But she's part of my conscience though... She's the one who gives me the creeps! =P
*guilty innocent look*
I'm not a schizo!
*now filled with denial*
I'm really not!
*looks around*
okay... fine... everybody got this strange sides in them ryt? but i think being a schizo is making that strange side appearing everywhere and people would actually distinguish the two different dispositions... I think... haha... just take that as my definition and then you'd know I'm not schizo...
*back to original face*
hmmm... time to study i guess... haha... it's really me! I woke up at 7, played games until 12 (eating also included), slept until 3. Did my forgotten statics lab until 4 and writing this blog hopefully until 4:30 (P.S. the time posted for my blogs is not singapore time, i think it's a western time)...
okay... that's all about it!
the slacking thing i hope proves that it's the me that I'm talking about. not the her!
God bless everyone! God is near! Celebrate!
thanks Kor! I'm glad =) and happy now that we are okay =).
God bless again!
¶ 5:16 PM 0 comments
not only did my previous post confuses people but now it confuses me...
haha... the author wasn't me but the other cynic me, criticizing err ... herself! (and that's not me) hahhahahahahah...
she rarely comes out because I always repress her... She's umm... stubborn? But she's part of my conscience though... She's the one who gives me the creeps! =P
*guilty innocent look*
I'm not a schizo!
*now filled with denial*
I'm really not!
*looks around*
okay... fine... everybody got this strange sides in them ryt? but i think being a schizo is making that strange side appearing everywhere and people would actually distinguish the two different dispositions... I think... haha... just take that as my definition and then you'd know I'm not schizo...
*back to original face*
hmmm... time to study i guess... haha... it's really me! I woke up at 7, played games until 12 (eating also included), slept until 3. Did my forgotten statics lab until 4 and writing this blog hopefully until 4:30 (P.S. the time posted for my blogs is not singapore time, i think it's a western time)...
okay... that's all about it!
the slacking thing i hope proves that it's the me that I'm talking about. not the her!
God bless everyone! God is near! Celebrate!
thanks Kor! I'm glad =) and happy now that we are okay =).
God bless again!
¶ 5:16 PM 0 comments
Monday, November 22, 2004
HER.... an offal?...
Sometimes I wonder what she really is meant for...
I do not know whether the impulsive desire of doing the thing she has always wanted to do is part of my Lord's plans for her. Its just simply innate, and no matter how she tries to practise manners opposing to what it naturally is (based on the world's definition), she is still bent to express awe whenever she encounters it. I do not know...
She perfectly knows that there is something burning within her. For 18 years, it was always there, and after 18 years she couldn't be possibly mistaken to identify what it is... Or maybe she was wrong all along... But she feels it... Yes she does...
She's sensitive... and she's ambivalent about such a gift for sometimes, if not most of the time, it torments her. It's a curse to a sinful creature. But what is she? She felt the change in the atmosphere with a brother and yet she acts like nothing happened. She doesn't want to open up this time. She is running away. She's afraid of the uncertainty... She does not trust my Lord fully. But I believe in my Lord's time, she will learn it. But for now... I also don't know...
She feels lost. She doesn't know if she's trusting too much or if she has been opening up too much. Lately, she leaves nothing for herself. And it seems like such a change is accompanied by spontaneous mishaps... What good does it give her? Or is this the price of freedom resulting from her living in truth?
She loved loneliness but now she pulled herself out...WAY OUT... Away from the world she thought was just made for her. Because my Lord said it wasn't proper so she sacrificed her contentment... Indeed it wasn't proper, but she does not fully understand.
Sometimes I pity her. Sometimes I loath her. But I love her...
Why oh why? she feels she's suffering but she is not. She knows the most important reason to be joyful but she is not. She does not understand. How is she worth of my Lord's love? That, she does not know, and I do not understand as well...
She is a dirt... nothing like it... a trash, unclean and weak... perhaps, filled with pretensions only to end up fooling herself... woe to her!
My Lord, My Lord, show her Your joy. Show her the things that really matter... My Lord, My Lord, help my friend... Deliver my foe... Save my enemy... Show her what eternity really means for she can't see, she can't feel... She simply cannot... But You can oh Lord, and You will... For You are gracious and compassionate... You are wonderful and she is nothing.
¶ 8:21 PM 0 comments
I do not know whether the impulsive desire of doing the thing she has always wanted to do is part of my Lord's plans for her. Its just simply innate, and no matter how she tries to practise manners opposing to what it naturally is (based on the world's definition), she is still bent to express awe whenever she encounters it. I do not know...
She perfectly knows that there is something burning within her. For 18 years, it was always there, and after 18 years she couldn't be possibly mistaken to identify what it is... Or maybe she was wrong all along... But she feels it... Yes she does...
She's sensitive... and she's ambivalent about such a gift for sometimes, if not most of the time, it torments her. It's a curse to a sinful creature. But what is she? She felt the change in the atmosphere with a brother and yet she acts like nothing happened. She doesn't want to open up this time. She is running away. She's afraid of the uncertainty... She does not trust my Lord fully. But I believe in my Lord's time, she will learn it. But for now... I also don't know...
She feels lost. She doesn't know if she's trusting too much or if she has been opening up too much. Lately, she leaves nothing for herself. And it seems like such a change is accompanied by spontaneous mishaps... What good does it give her? Or is this the price of freedom resulting from her living in truth?
She loved loneliness but now she pulled herself out...WAY OUT... Away from the world she thought was just made for her. Because my Lord said it wasn't proper so she sacrificed her contentment... Indeed it wasn't proper, but she does not fully understand.
Sometimes I pity her. Sometimes I loath her. But I love her...
Why oh why? she feels she's suffering but she is not. She knows the most important reason to be joyful but she is not. She does not understand. How is she worth of my Lord's love? That, she does not know, and I do not understand as well...
She is a dirt... nothing like it... a trash, unclean and weak... perhaps, filled with pretensions only to end up fooling herself... woe to her!
My Lord, My Lord, show her Your joy. Show her the things that really matter... My Lord, My Lord, help my friend... Deliver my foe... Save my enemy... Show her what eternity really means for she can't see, she can't feel... She simply cannot... But You can oh Lord, and You will... For You are gracious and compassionate... You are wonderful and she is nothing.
¶ 8:21 PM 0 comments
Friday, November 19, 2004
so much for the positive thinker
oh well, I guess I have to be positive despite messing up my statics... thanks to my apparently innate carelessness... whoah... sniff.... I think I'm assured of losing a minimum of 20 out of a hundred, it could get worse to 50 plus considering the all others are well off... Umm... I'd say it's bad thanks to the curve thing... --> im in the skewed lower part...haha... I'm skewed!~ screwed! =P
anyway, im in the verge of getting a C or B for my statics final grade. Disappointing to know if I'll get a C... as in very disappointing... I'll be hopeless to get my target course. But I know God has a will for me, His plan maybe doesn't include an A+ in my statics and mechanics module but for sure whatever the outcome of His plan, by right, should outweigh this possible disappointment. Maybe I'm just not meant to become a Bioengineer or maybe God makes some twists out of the reality I perceive and I would turn out to be one. He can definitely change reality! Lord, so be it!
Anyway, I may lose the pride of being a bioengineer but I won't lose You! and that is essentially the more important reality for my existence. You have great plans for me yet they may get implemented in my life not the way I expected them to be. Lord, Ikaw na ang bahala sa tanan. =) But Lord, help me understand Your greatness and the greatness of Your plans.
Now, before I take my nap... Lord, Physics bukas! Pero I believe you have plans for all of us. Take away our anxiety and may we live finding joy in You! =)
always....
¶ 12:02 PM 0 comments
anyway, im in the verge of getting a C or B for my statics final grade. Disappointing to know if I'll get a C... as in very disappointing... I'll be hopeless to get my target course. But I know God has a will for me, His plan maybe doesn't include an A+ in my statics and mechanics module but for sure whatever the outcome of His plan, by right, should outweigh this possible disappointment. Maybe I'm just not meant to become a Bioengineer or maybe God makes some twists out of the reality I perceive and I would turn out to be one. He can definitely change reality! Lord, so be it!
Anyway, I may lose the pride of being a bioengineer but I won't lose You! and that is essentially the more important reality for my existence. You have great plans for me yet they may get implemented in my life not the way I expected them to be. Lord, Ikaw na ang bahala sa tanan. =) But Lord, help me understand Your greatness and the greatness of Your plans.
Now, before I take my nap... Lord, Physics bukas! Pero I believe you have plans for all of us. Take away our anxiety and may we live finding joy in You! =)
always....
¶ 12:02 PM 0 comments
Wednesday, November 17, 2004
wow...
i tried watching nus cast with the use of msn explorer. a more convinient explorer for me compared to IE (i dunno what happened but the browser is slower now, and it cannot access my e-tut hints!)... and then after several clicks, i found myself watching discovery channel with a very interesting title: "the girl with the x-ray eyes". With piqued interest, I set aside my notes for Physics and waited until the advertisements are over with. I can't believe my eyes when I read the title again although I was glad that at least I wasn't seeing things...haha... And then this nice 17 year old Russian girl (nearly my age, I just turned 18..haha) appeared on the screen surrounded by people. I'd like to narrate part of the story I've watched; however, Im on a time constraint. As a whole, the girl does not have x-ray in her eyes, but in a way she got this double vision, one is normal and the other is the image that appears in her brains before her eyes could. And these images, apparently, seem to be real because they are the organs of a person in front of her! Before I closed the browser, I noticed that opponents are trying to criticize her claim, so she was being tested. She went to UK, and now (im not sure if its already over now because Discovery aired it) being tested by a Paranormal Institute in New York. Well, people there still can't believe and ridiculously formulated a theory that she was smsed by people who she was going to test with... haha... whatever... But she was able to mention the essential illnesses, the ones she thinks the patient should be told with although she doesn't know the medical terms.
One researcher there mentioned that once she passed all the tests, science would have to be "reconstructed" for its way of understanding things are being contradicted by the girl's gift. He was implying that science would be "ruined"... well, i think it is exaggeration. Science is a way we humans study God's gift, even though all we usually wanted to know are the ones we can explain. Even if this girl's gift is tested to be real, it only means that there had to be excemptions in some of the rules (so-called laws) humans have set just as the laws in classical mechanics cannot be applied in very high speeds. Besides, who said science can explain everything? In the first place it is just our tool to help us understand this universe. Now, how could it know everything when it's just a tool? It's comparable to trying to dig the ground with a shovel. We use the shovel to dig the ground, but the shovel doesn't know or can't even help the digger to know the depth of the ground. So the digger keeps digging until he would know it. And with the ground seemingly infinitely huge, I think it is impractical after ages of digging that the digger could know everything about what he is digging. Similary, after centuries of "rigorously" studying this universe, science can't still explain everything, so is man!
Wow... It's just amazing how God created us...
Makes me wonder though... We humans tend to think about beginnings and end. On my own point of view this so-called beginning and end exists in our minds because in the first place we had beginnings from our conceptual thought of nothing to something. Which is actually far disturbing than any Physics problems I've encountered.... haha... makes me wonder just like relativity; what if beginnings and endings don't really exist? They just conceptually existed because God started something. What if such concepts just existed for the sake of something else to happen while there is this something constantly happening somewhere and something real that are apparently unreal to us... It's discombobulating, yet I have this urge to at least have the slightest idea... I even wonder if time is real or just another conceptually occuring thing so as to describe changes thanks to whatever forces we humans have tried to cenceptualize as well...
AHHHHHH!
okay... before I go find myself in my most struck and stupefied form, I got to end this blog. Studying for the finals is essentially more important at the moment compared to blogging.. hahaha... although I wrote quite a lot!
P.S. The russian girl's name is NATASHA... go google her! =P
God bless!
¶ 7:51 PM 0 comments
One researcher there mentioned that once she passed all the tests, science would have to be "reconstructed" for its way of understanding things are being contradicted by the girl's gift. He was implying that science would be "ruined"... well, i think it is exaggeration. Science is a way we humans study God's gift, even though all we usually wanted to know are the ones we can explain. Even if this girl's gift is tested to be real, it only means that there had to be excemptions in some of the rules (so-called laws) humans have set just as the laws in classical mechanics cannot be applied in very high speeds. Besides, who said science can explain everything? In the first place it is just our tool to help us understand this universe. Now, how could it know everything when it's just a tool? It's comparable to trying to dig the ground with a shovel. We use the shovel to dig the ground, but the shovel doesn't know or can't even help the digger to know the depth of the ground. So the digger keeps digging until he would know it. And with the ground seemingly infinitely huge, I think it is impractical after ages of digging that the digger could know everything about what he is digging. Similary, after centuries of "rigorously" studying this universe, science can't still explain everything, so is man!
Wow... It's just amazing how God created us...
Makes me wonder though... We humans tend to think about beginnings and end. On my own point of view this so-called beginning and end exists in our minds because in the first place we had beginnings from our conceptual thought of nothing to something. Which is actually far disturbing than any Physics problems I've encountered.... haha... makes me wonder just like relativity; what if beginnings and endings don't really exist? They just conceptually existed because God started something. What if such concepts just existed for the sake of something else to happen while there is this something constantly happening somewhere and something real that are apparently unreal to us... It's discombobulating, yet I have this urge to at least have the slightest idea... I even wonder if time is real or just another conceptually occuring thing so as to describe changes thanks to whatever forces we humans have tried to cenceptualize as well...
AHHHHHH!
okay... before I go find myself in my most struck and stupefied form, I got to end this blog. Studying for the finals is essentially more important at the moment compared to blogging.. hahaha... although I wrote quite a lot!
P.S. The russian girl's name is NATASHA... go google her! =P
God bless!
¶ 7:51 PM 0 comments
Tuesday, November 16, 2004
argh... the imperfect me speaks...
I think I'm allergic to locals...
I apologize for it but argh... I have this loathing...that I don't know exactly why... Forgive me again... I wish I could help it...=(... I really wish....
¶ 1:39 AM 0 comments
I apologize for it but argh... I have this loathing...that I don't know exactly why... Forgive me again... I wish I could help it...=(... I really wish....
¶ 1:39 AM 0 comments
Sunday, November 14, 2004
the Faye story was indeed a fraud
aww... a lot of people were indeed fooled. But then, if it were the case (i mean assuming it was real), a lot of people would stand up. Not bad but it's never going to be good since it's all but a hoax. I learned a lesson that "We Trust in God, all else must show data" --> from Kenric an A blocker... Now I see the point of it although I used to make a laugh out of it. =)... BUT again, God must have allowed it for reasons many of us will never know in this life. Maybe in the lives of Faye and Cathy, and maybe even for the BOL church and maybe in the lives of those who believed and even to those who were skeptical. Who knows? He does.... =)
oh well... I must discipline myself....Oh, Lord discipline me and stop from writing long blogs and fail to study for the nite!
tata!
God bless! =)
¶ 9:20 PM 0 comments
oh well... I must discipline myself....Oh, Lord discipline me and stop from writing long blogs and fail to study for the nite!
tata!
God bless! =)
¶ 9:20 PM 0 comments
Friday, November 12, 2004
yaouch!
yah... my legs hurt but I still want to thank God that I survived another 3 hour training coupled with 2 hours aftermath slacking.... I don't know if it's a waste....err... But i think it's quite a waste of time... 5 hours! Neways.... Like what God wants to tell me, life is not studying alone... wehehehehe... I can still manage a laugh after all the waste. Imagine I could afford it! God allowed it anyhow so He maybe has something to teach me. Besides, He can never be wrong! =)
Oh well... Gotta "chop-chop" as Singaporeans call it... Can't afford to waste another hour... Maybe I could ONLY AFTER THE FINALS! weee! I'm excited! ...hahahahha.... =)... But I'm still far far away from being prepared, as in! To exaggerate a bit, I'm still lightyears from my destination! *LOL* But no worries, I'll get there in God's mercy =) and in God's time! yey!
¶ 10:57 PM 0 comments
Oh well... Gotta "chop-chop" as Singaporeans call it... Can't afford to waste another hour... Maybe I could ONLY AFTER THE FINALS! weee! I'm excited! ...hahahahha.... =)... But I'm still far far away from being prepared, as in! To exaggerate a bit, I'm still lightyears from my destination! *LOL* But no worries, I'll get there in God's mercy =) and in God's time! yey!
¶ 10:57 PM 0 comments
Thursday, November 11, 2004
the Lord God is my Provider
yup... you have read it perfectly, He is the provider of everything I am and I need. Even the wisdom to understand all the complicated equations in my modules... Haha... don't get me wrong, i haven't finished studying; far from there yet, but I'll get there in God's grace and mercy and in His time =).
God is wonderful, He knows what I needed and He gives them right on time. I am thankful to Him for sending Christian friends to visit me in my room and have some wonderful fellowship with Him together. Through them God sent me a wonderful message and reminder at the same time that I should be anxious in nothing and be joyful in Him always (not in myself--> I'll only end up crying...hehehe). So far, it's working. I am enjoying this perfect peace with momentary troubles trying to create turmoil within. I'm glad that God is always there willing to listen and help me out of the things that makes me anxious. He is always there securing me in His wide arms. How wonderful is He! Christians have no reason to be anxious because God is always there. Just make a short prayer, petition on things that attempts to make us anxious and thanksgiving as well. But the most important part is to believe that He will give perfect peace in our hearts if we maintain this open communication with Him always. Even just uttering His greatness will do =). But then, there are infinite things to praise and give Him thanks for! Only the most stubborn and foolish cannot even identify that he should be grateful for his mere existence alone. ( Life is a gift! Enjoying it doesn't mean to make every second of it happy but experiencing life, all its ups and downs, in general. One great edge Christians got is that they got Jesus to make them see life in a more wonderful way. A way that if followed all throughout does not create years of happiness but a lifelong joy! More properly described, Christians experience an eternal joy that increases every second! exponentially in terms of eternity! hehehe... AMEN!) =)
I'd like to share a wonderful part of a song " He giveth more grace"
"He giveth more grace when the burdens grow greater,
He sendeth more strength when the labors increase,
To addeth affliction, He added His mercy
To multiplied trials, His multiplied peace.
When we have exhausted our store of endurance,
When our strength has failed ere the day is half-done,
When we reach the end of our hoarded resources,
Our Father's full giving is only begun."
and the chorus is more wonderful! here it goes!:
"His love has no limit
His grace has no measure
His power no boundary known unto men
For out of his INFINITE RICHES in JESUS
He GIVETH and GIVETH and GIVETH again!"
---what a blessing to have the Lord! Christians are wealthy people! Rich in life, and love, and mercy, compassion, and hope and... i could continue forever! heheheh....---
God bless!
¶ 7:56 PM 0 comments
God is wonderful, He knows what I needed and He gives them right on time. I am thankful to Him for sending Christian friends to visit me in my room and have some wonderful fellowship with Him together. Through them God sent me a wonderful message and reminder at the same time that I should be anxious in nothing and be joyful in Him always (not in myself--> I'll only end up crying...hehehe). So far, it's working. I am enjoying this perfect peace with momentary troubles trying to create turmoil within. I'm glad that God is always there willing to listen and help me out of the things that makes me anxious. He is always there securing me in His wide arms. How wonderful is He! Christians have no reason to be anxious because God is always there. Just make a short prayer, petition on things that attempts to make us anxious and thanksgiving as well. But the most important part is to believe that He will give perfect peace in our hearts if we maintain this open communication with Him always. Even just uttering His greatness will do =). But then, there are infinite things to praise and give Him thanks for! Only the most stubborn and foolish cannot even identify that he should be grateful for his mere existence alone. ( Life is a gift! Enjoying it doesn't mean to make every second of it happy but experiencing life, all its ups and downs, in general. One great edge Christians got is that they got Jesus to make them see life in a more wonderful way. A way that if followed all throughout does not create years of happiness but a lifelong joy! More properly described, Christians experience an eternal joy that increases every second! exponentially in terms of eternity! hehehe... AMEN!) =)
I'd like to share a wonderful part of a song " He giveth more grace"
"He giveth more grace when the burdens grow greater,
He sendeth more strength when the labors increase,
To addeth affliction, He added His mercy
To multiplied trials, His multiplied peace.
When we have exhausted our store of endurance,
When our strength has failed ere the day is half-done,
When we reach the end of our hoarded resources,
Our Father's full giving is only begun."
and the chorus is more wonderful! here it goes!:
"His love has no limit
His grace has no measure
His power no boundary known unto men
For out of his INFINITE RICHES in JESUS
He GIVETH and GIVETH and GIVETH again!"
---what a blessing to have the Lord! Christians are wealthy people! Rich in life, and love, and mercy, compassion, and hope and... i could continue forever! heheheh....---
God bless!
¶ 7:56 PM 0 comments
Wednesday, November 10, 2004
finally ...
finally?
hehe... finally i still can't study well.. hehe... yesterday i spent hours giving rough changes for this blog (5 hours i think =P ) but anyway, at least i could say that my blog is 90% done or nearly done. I'm also glad I already told Kor about this... hehe.. I was quite scared though about what if, when she learns about this and a number of people learned beforehand, she might feel that i didn't trust her. I do, but i can't tell her back then... for some reasons ;)... and the finally im referring about is her knowledge of this.
it's quite funny lately that I'm engaging myself with intellectual conversations without a good brain in hand... haha.. my brain is not in my hand duh! =P... just kidding... what I meant was that in the first place I'd be talking to people who are way older than me and got my respect but not necessarily my agreement; they are good at finding loop holes in arguments...haha. =). Neways, my five-cent words were slapped with one-dollar ones... haha, at least I got to learn what schtick is. A word i can hardly spell without the dictionary. *LOL* hehe... but then, i learned the flaws of my arguments and I hope that person too learned his... Or maybe he just sticks too much with his cause =P... I find him as someone who loves to go against the general flow and someone who tends to negate stuff and maybe even accept things (especially the bad implications of phrases that I never really even considered) as for himself. In the first place, I wasn't criticising his character but rather his claims and how they are biased with his experiences. It made me feel bad though because it seems like the words I've said to him were piercing him or in his terms "hitting him below the belt". I am well aware that I could be a potential warfreak or be a total peacelover, but my intentions are never to hurt anyone. My intention that time was to defend a Christian, whose achievements were trivially undermined by him, who also achieved a similar thing.
He left a remark in the last letter I've read. That to practise what he sees, he asked all of us to imagine as not Filipinos, to have no idea as being one and then encounter the news about what happened. Well, if I were that person. I would see a developing country with poor economy, a 17 year old Jasmine Trias being welcomed for winning 3rd in an American artist competition, a 12 year old Faye going unnoticed after winning 1st in an International Biology Olympiad, people wanting to give justice to Faye and people going against the claims of the people who wants to give justice to Faye. Hmmm... it's actually rather complicated... :P... First, we can't just leave Filipinos in being stuck as star-studded people but we also cannot permit them complaining too much about the government. Too bad... God has a plan for the Filipinos, but at present it seems like my beloved country is stuck in the crossroad between following God's plan, and pushing through to maybe some unwanted fate in the long run of which I am not aware of. There may be a third path; however, all i care about is that God's plan is the best and all the rest can never come close.
Oh well.... It's only a matter of time to see what would really happen. It seems like Faye is starting to show up and I just hope that she would teach Filipinos some important lessons in being really one... Actually, after a number of heavy words being poured against me in our "intellectual" sparring, me being the unintellectual one, I got scared of showing up. Because I think I tickled his nerves to a point where he might bite me the next time he sees me... hehe... Now, however, I have overcomed it because I got a powerful God who will protect me, but apparently he doesn't seem to have one (if he is an athiest). I don't want to be hostile. Unfortunately, I'm bent on running away from potential conflicts; not that Im afraid to utterly lose but I'm afraid to intentionally hurt people and maybe lose the little pride i have left. Thanks to people who have sent me personal messages thanking me for standing up, I actually gained the confidence I have lost. =)
God is compassionate and loving. He will never leave me in this mess i placed myself into. Actually, it's really against my nature to stand up and "fight" for what I believe in so I ended up apologizing for sending a seemingly bitter response to him (after clearing out some misunderstandings that is--> or maybe correcting assumptions he made from whatever implications he generated from what I've said... Implications I didn't dare say for they were out of my mind and not even part of my intentions.)... Oh well again... Forget about them... For sure, the Lord taught me one thing... Never be too confident with oneself, but rather to seek righteousness and knowledge from Him. That way i wont be lost in any intellectual conversations that I might engage myself with in the ages to come =P.
Haha... Now this is getting too long and im still less than half way of my actual study target for today... Yesterday was worse because I could have achieved a good deal of studying if not.... ehh... ahah... nevermind....=P... God has a reason for everything. He allows things to happen for His purposes. =)... I want to rejoice in Him =)... and I still want to learn how to rejoice in Him despite all the hardships coming my way. =)... haha... I'm thankful that I have and will have the Lord at all times =)...
God bless!
¶ 5:49 PM 0 comments
hehe... finally i still can't study well.. hehe... yesterday i spent hours giving rough changes for this blog (5 hours i think =P ) but anyway, at least i could say that my blog is 90% done or nearly done. I'm also glad I already told Kor about this... hehe.. I was quite scared though about what if, when she learns about this and a number of people learned beforehand, she might feel that i didn't trust her. I do, but i can't tell her back then... for some reasons ;)... and the finally im referring about is her knowledge of this.
it's quite funny lately that I'm engaging myself with intellectual conversations without a good brain in hand... haha.. my brain is not in my hand duh! =P... just kidding... what I meant was that in the first place I'd be talking to people who are way older than me and got my respect but not necessarily my agreement; they are good at finding loop holes in arguments...haha. =). Neways, my five-cent words were slapped with one-dollar ones... haha, at least I got to learn what schtick is. A word i can hardly spell without the dictionary. *LOL* hehe... but then, i learned the flaws of my arguments and I hope that person too learned his... Or maybe he just sticks too much with his cause =P... I find him as someone who loves to go against the general flow and someone who tends to negate stuff and maybe even accept things (especially the bad implications of phrases that I never really even considered) as for himself. In the first place, I wasn't criticising his character but rather his claims and how they are biased with his experiences. It made me feel bad though because it seems like the words I've said to him were piercing him or in his terms "hitting him below the belt". I am well aware that I could be a potential warfreak or be a total peacelover, but my intentions are never to hurt anyone. My intention that time was to defend a Christian, whose achievements were trivially undermined by him, who also achieved a similar thing.
He left a remark in the last letter I've read. That to practise what he sees, he asked all of us to imagine as not Filipinos, to have no idea as being one and then encounter the news about what happened. Well, if I were that person. I would see a developing country with poor economy, a 17 year old Jasmine Trias being welcomed for winning 3rd in an American artist competition, a 12 year old Faye going unnoticed after winning 1st in an International Biology Olympiad, people wanting to give justice to Faye and people going against the claims of the people who wants to give justice to Faye. Hmmm... it's actually rather complicated... :P... First, we can't just leave Filipinos in being stuck as star-studded people but we also cannot permit them complaining too much about the government. Too bad... God has a plan for the Filipinos, but at present it seems like my beloved country is stuck in the crossroad between following God's plan, and pushing through to maybe some unwanted fate in the long run of which I am not aware of. There may be a third path; however, all i care about is that God's plan is the best and all the rest can never come close.
Oh well.... It's only a matter of time to see what would really happen. It seems like Faye is starting to show up and I just hope that she would teach Filipinos some important lessons in being really one... Actually, after a number of heavy words being poured against me in our "intellectual" sparring, me being the unintellectual one, I got scared of showing up. Because I think I tickled his nerves to a point where he might bite me the next time he sees me... hehe... Now, however, I have overcomed it because I got a powerful God who will protect me, but apparently he doesn't seem to have one (if he is an athiest). I don't want to be hostile. Unfortunately, I'm bent on running away from potential conflicts; not that Im afraid to utterly lose but I'm afraid to intentionally hurt people and maybe lose the little pride i have left. Thanks to people who have sent me personal messages thanking me for standing up, I actually gained the confidence I have lost. =)
God is compassionate and loving. He will never leave me in this mess i placed myself into. Actually, it's really against my nature to stand up and "fight" for what I believe in so I ended up apologizing for sending a seemingly bitter response to him (after clearing out some misunderstandings that is--> or maybe correcting assumptions he made from whatever implications he generated from what I've said... Implications I didn't dare say for they were out of my mind and not even part of my intentions.)... Oh well again... Forget about them... For sure, the Lord taught me one thing... Never be too confident with oneself, but rather to seek righteousness and knowledge from Him. That way i wont be lost in any intellectual conversations that I might engage myself with in the ages to come =P.
Haha... Now this is getting too long and im still less than half way of my actual study target for today... Yesterday was worse because I could have achieved a good deal of studying if not.... ehh... ahah... nevermind....=P... God has a reason for everything. He allows things to happen for His purposes. =)... I want to rejoice in Him =)... and I still want to learn how to rejoice in Him despite all the hardships coming my way. =)... haha... I'm thankful that I have and will have the Lord at all times =)...
God bless!
¶ 5:49 PM 0 comments
Sunday, November 07, 2004
=) random thoughts
Lord at first, I came to you because I want to be strong in this life
But to my surprise, you showed me how weak I am
You showed me how nothing I am compared to all your wonders
I am even worse than nothing compared to Your greatness alone
You showed me all the discouragements I have in this life
But despite all of this, You showed me how much You love me
Despite knowing the potential evil that lurked in my heart
You still love me
Despite the disappointments and betrayals I have done against you
You still love me
"When will you stop doing this? It's drowning me!"--> even when I say this
You still love me
I never asked You to love me!
But You still love me anyway, and you loved me first
You did not stop loving me until I gave in and have started loving you =)
Now, although the purpose of going to You was defeated
I found a new purpose of continuing to live in You
Now that I know how weak I am to live strong in this world
I can no longer move on from that fact without You
I am utterly nothing without You
At first, I came to you for more independence
But I ended up crippled and even worse, defeated
But I praise You oh Lord
For I found the meaning of this life in You
I am now dependent on You, and I long to be more dependent each day
For in You oh Lord, I have found real strength to overcome mountains!
Strength incomparable of what man could over-all offer
In you Lord, I became independent of the world
In you Lord, I found everything I needed!!!
I am losing my pride oh Lord because of You
But I do not care; I even rejoice of it...
Pride can only do me harm
But You my Lord give me life and hope in this fallen world....
Lord, I want to be Yours forever
Teach me your ways, so that I may continue to walk with You
Show me your wonders, so that I may boast of You in the world...
---to be continued later or soon =)... and will be edited too! =) ---
¶ 10:13 PM 0 comments
But to my surprise, you showed me how weak I am
You showed me how nothing I am compared to all your wonders
I am even worse than nothing compared to Your greatness alone
You showed me all the discouragements I have in this life
But despite all of this, You showed me how much You love me
Despite knowing the potential evil that lurked in my heart
You still love me
Despite the disappointments and betrayals I have done against you
You still love me
"When will you stop doing this? It's drowning me!"--> even when I say this
You still love me
I never asked You to love me!
But You still love me anyway, and you loved me first
You did not stop loving me until I gave in and have started loving you =)
Now, although the purpose of going to You was defeated
I found a new purpose of continuing to live in You
Now that I know how weak I am to live strong in this world
I can no longer move on from that fact without You
I am utterly nothing without You
At first, I came to you for more independence
But I ended up crippled and even worse, defeated
But I praise You oh Lord
For I found the meaning of this life in You
I am now dependent on You, and I long to be more dependent each day
For in You oh Lord, I have found real strength to overcome mountains!
Strength incomparable of what man could over-all offer
In you Lord, I became independent of the world
In you Lord, I found everything I needed!!!
I am losing my pride oh Lord because of You
But I do not care; I even rejoice of it...
Pride can only do me harm
But You my Lord give me life and hope in this fallen world....
Lord, I want to be Yours forever
Teach me your ways, so that I may continue to walk with You
Show me your wonders, so that I may boast of You in the world...
---to be continued later or soon =)... and will be edited too! =) ---
¶ 10:13 PM 0 comments
the holy communion, and etc... =)
I just took the holy communion this afternoon. But what's so different and special about this afternoon is that I took it as how it should really be taken. =)
Years before, I took the "bread and wine" as some refresher of forgiveness of sins and timely renewal. It's some form of monthly invigoration or maybe some rebirth that everytime I take it with all my heart, my sins will be forgiven. But that was way back, when I was really ignorant of the Word and only listen to people who, apparently, are also ignorant of it. Back then I never really knew that we are already saved. I didn't know the fact that the holy communion is not something that could save or could forgive sins. I am thankful to the Lord for this awareness.
Back to the afternoon church service. As the passage for the holy communion were read, and I have been hearing it for years but never really listened but only ever hearing, I took in every word that was said and realised what the holy communion is all about. It is for the remembrance of Jesus, who died in the cross for our sins; who overcame death on the third day; who died not only for His friends but also for His "enemies," those who persecute Him. He is the ultimate Sin Atonement for mankind. The holy communion is for our remembrance of Him, for the new covenant that He established; that whosoever believes in Him, His purpose of living as a man, His love and everything He is and did and by following Him, will be saved from the eternal damnation sin has brought into this world. I have heard the song "In Remembrance of Me" many times, but never really realised the true meaning of it... It is indeed in remembrance of His journey in this world. In remembrance of His great love for us.
I am glad because the Lord showed me the meaning of what I have been absent-mindedly doing for the past years of my life. I just pray that the Lord would continue to open my eyes for the reality of His love and I may continue to worship Him in joy despite all the problems I am and may be having. Like what godly people did in the bible, I want to praise you Lord at all times. I'll praise you even in the worst of times. For I know, if I continue to do so, I'm not going to lose the One that really matters in my life. Besides, You are always there. You are our source of comfort as what I have just read in 2 Cor 1: 3-11. =)... And I will personally testify for that fact!... Lord, teach and show us your ways...
Lord thanks for wanting me despite knowing who I really am! Thanks for Your great boundless love... I am trully blessed! We all are because of You!
You deserved to be praised by everything in this universe! You are our mighty Creator and Ruler!
¶ 9:42 PM 0 comments
Years before, I took the "bread and wine" as some refresher of forgiveness of sins and timely renewal. It's some form of monthly invigoration or maybe some rebirth that everytime I take it with all my heart, my sins will be forgiven. But that was way back, when I was really ignorant of the Word and only listen to people who, apparently, are also ignorant of it. Back then I never really knew that we are already saved. I didn't know the fact that the holy communion is not something that could save or could forgive sins. I am thankful to the Lord for this awareness.
Back to the afternoon church service. As the passage for the holy communion were read, and I have been hearing it for years but never really listened but only ever hearing, I took in every word that was said and realised what the holy communion is all about. It is for the remembrance of Jesus, who died in the cross for our sins; who overcame death on the third day; who died not only for His friends but also for His "enemies," those who persecute Him. He is the ultimate Sin Atonement for mankind. The holy communion is for our remembrance of Him, for the new covenant that He established; that whosoever believes in Him, His purpose of living as a man, His love and everything He is and did and by following Him, will be saved from the eternal damnation sin has brought into this world. I have heard the song "In Remembrance of Me" many times, but never really realised the true meaning of it... It is indeed in remembrance of His journey in this world. In remembrance of His great love for us.
I am glad because the Lord showed me the meaning of what I have been absent-mindedly doing for the past years of my life. I just pray that the Lord would continue to open my eyes for the reality of His love and I may continue to worship Him in joy despite all the problems I am and may be having. Like what godly people did in the bible, I want to praise you Lord at all times. I'll praise you even in the worst of times. For I know, if I continue to do so, I'm not going to lose the One that really matters in my life. Besides, You are always there. You are our source of comfort as what I have just read in 2 Cor 1: 3-11. =)... And I will personally testify for that fact!... Lord, teach and show us your ways...
Lord thanks for wanting me despite knowing who I really am! Thanks for Your great boundless love... I am trully blessed! We all are because of You!
You deserved to be praised by everything in this universe! You are our mighty Creator and Ruler!
¶ 9:42 PM 0 comments
Thursday, November 04, 2004
nothing much
i blogged again because I'm slacking
i can't seem to overcome the simple pleasure of slacking... stress-free, enjoying every entertainment i could get my hands on, but in the long run face the consequences of spending my time on things that doesn't really count much. I know the possible consequences of such an act but the thought of them just don't scare me at all. I know they're going to be bad and I know by doing so I'm acting like a foolish child wandering around at night on a highway, waiting to be hit by whatever that passes along. As long as I know I'm not yet dead, I still want to play in the streets because it's giving me the an addictive yet transient euphoria...
It's sad to realize that I know how bad my choices are but I still choose them anyway. It's like I'm lost in this fuzzy maze that I've gone through many times before, but I never really learned. It's confusing, it's distorting me, it's simply slowly "destroying" me in a nice, happy, care-free way. I know, but I don't feel the gravity of the situation. Probably because I've gone through this similar path and made the wrong choices yet got through fine. So even though i know their wrong, God will still save me. And I know it's never going to do me any good that's why I'm nagging at myself through this post. At least I might feel the shame knowing that others will know what I have been doing... =(
Oh well... Tomorrow, I will study...
I will study like I never had, and that will be my punishment!
I hope the Lord would help me...
But let His will be done!
¶ 12:54 AM 0 comments
i can't seem to overcome the simple pleasure of slacking... stress-free, enjoying every entertainment i could get my hands on, but in the long run face the consequences of spending my time on things that doesn't really count much. I know the possible consequences of such an act but the thought of them just don't scare me at all. I know they're going to be bad and I know by doing so I'm acting like a foolish child wandering around at night on a highway, waiting to be hit by whatever that passes along. As long as I know I'm not yet dead, I still want to play in the streets because it's giving me the an addictive yet transient euphoria...
It's sad to realize that I know how bad my choices are but I still choose them anyway. It's like I'm lost in this fuzzy maze that I've gone through many times before, but I never really learned. It's confusing, it's distorting me, it's simply slowly "destroying" me in a nice, happy, care-free way. I know, but I don't feel the gravity of the situation. Probably because I've gone through this similar path and made the wrong choices yet got through fine. So even though i know their wrong, God will still save me. And I know it's never going to do me any good that's why I'm nagging at myself through this post. At least I might feel the shame knowing that others will know what I have been doing... =(
Oh well... Tomorrow, I will study...
I will study like I never had, and that will be my punishment!
I hope the Lord would help me...
But let His will be done!
¶ 12:54 AM 0 comments
Tuesday, November 02, 2004
I simply admire her faith
I got this as a forwarded message... Faith is really inspring... somehow I wish that I would be able to meet and thank her for loving my country despite the rejection she faced... I'm disappointed with my country because most Filipinos living there are "star-studded marmoses" (from one of those who utterly denounced his being a Filipino). NO, I won't denounce mine because God created me as one and I ought to love being one, as what he created me to be... Can you believe that because of some chinese sops shown on TV, a even not-good-at-all artist who looks chinese became so famoous while the real Filipinos who got good acting skills and are basically more deserving are not? Superficial judgement as a nation is horrible! Although I still hope that one day this will change...
I wish Jasmine Trias could read this story and maybe do something for that little girl and as a result, "slap" the Filipinos to their faces. Hehe.. That's just what I want to happen, but hehe, if it's not God's will so be it! God has a better plan for my fellow countrymen in the Philippines...
I wish Jasmine Trias could read this story and maybe do something for that little girl and as a result, "slap" the Filipinos to their faces. Hehe.. That's just what I want to happen, but hehe, if it's not God's will so be it! God has a better plan for my fellow countrymen in the Philippines...
Misplaced Priorities can Mislead a Nation
"He who can take no interest in what is small will take false interest in what is great." John RuskinJasmine Trias visited the Philippines very recently. Everyone was agog waiting to welcome her. The excitement was remarkable as the media and many of our "kababayans"flocked to the airport to see her. This scenario is typical of Filipinos. Sadly, it reflects our country's misplaced priorities. Contest of the Mind. Another young girl came back to the country just a couple of weeks ago. Her name is Faye (not her real name for very sensitive reasons). Unknown to her countrymen, this eleven year old girl brought honor to the Philippines. She represented the country in the Intercontinental Science Quiz Net in Australia. Out of 57 countries represented, Faye garnered First Place for the Philippines. Germany came in second while the United States came in third. In stark contrast to the hooplah extended to Jasmine Trias, Faye's arrival did not make any noise. Not a peep. In an earlier competition, "Mathematics for the Young Asians" in Indonesia, Faye also came out in the Top Five. But just like the Australian event, this feat did not receive any recognition in our country at all. Our interests seem to be set on other "priorities." We are more interested in promoting celebrity guests instead of educational and intellectual pursuits. Indirectly and quite obviously we are teaching our children that development of the external image takes priority over educational achievement. Faye's story is inspiring. She comes from a broken family. Her father falsely claimed that he was unmarried when he married her mom. When her mom found out, she decided to raise up her daughter alone. Despite the difficulty, Faye in no way used it as an excuse for complacency in her studies. In grade school, she was a consistent honor student. She took every academic requirement as a challenge. And she delivered. At one time, she submitted a project thesis in Australiathat won "The Best Physics and Science Award". The award qualified the Philippines to be one of the top 10 countries that would compete in Australia, among the 57 countries that joined. Considering her family's financial constraints, she and her mom asked help from our government for their trip to Australia to claim the "Best Physics" award and to join the Science competition. They saw this challenge as a rare opportunity offered to Faye and her country, considering that only two Asian countries qualified - Japan and the Philippines. Unfortunately, our government had other priorities. Mother and daughter then tried to ask help from individual senators and congressmen. All turned them down except for one who was willing to help, on condition that Faye should give public credit to the senator for supporting her even in the earlier competitions she joined. Out of integrity, the mother could not accede to this arrangement. Thus no outside help was found. Faced with this situation, Faye and her mom took out all their savings and went out of their way to secure by themselves the additional finances needed. The only driving force behind them was their desire to give honor to God and to the Philippines. With the little resources they had, they went to Australia on September 17, 2004 for the competition. They claimed the trophy and cash award for the "Best Physics" thesis Faye submitted in Sidney and then flew to Brisbane for the quiz competition. No kababayan welcomed them in Australia except for a kind Filipina they met in the plane who assisted them. As they were checking in at a hotel, the "kind" Filipina who volunteered to help them disappeared taking with her Faye's and her mother's bags, passports, and plane tickets. At that point, they literally had nothing left except for the few pieces of clothes and their faith in God. They had to sell the extra clothes left to be able to buy food. In need once again, they sought help from some of the Filipino officials in Australia but to no avail. Oddly, the Filipino officials there were too busy with other priorities, not minding to help a young girl and a mother who had no other desire but to bring honor to our country. Given a budget for only a one night stay at the hotel, mother and daughter had to check out the following day. Leaving their luggage on deposit and without money for transportation fare, they decided to walk two kilometers to the competition venue on their native Filipino costumes. If walking a two kilometer distance was bad enough, how much more would be walking the distance on their native costume along the highways of Australia! Upon arrival at the competition site, Faye and her mom were very surprised when they discovered that the delegates from each of the other countries were well supported by a band, a cheering squad, and a flag, while Faye only had her mother and the anxiety of lost passports and plane tickets. Worse, representatives of each country were required to decorate their booths. With only the three-piece costume they had on, Faye and her mom were even more surprised when the organizing committee awarded their booth as "The Most Creative" booth. In the early part of the competition, Japan, Brazil and Spain were eliminated. As the only Asian country left to compete against six Western nations, the Philippines was cheered on by Japan. Faye was encouraged by her Japanese cheering squad, but in her heart, how she wished that she had her own countrymen to cheer her on. When Faye finally won first place and Philippines national anthem was being played, she prayed silently thanking God for making her a Filipina. Despite all the painful experiences she had with her country, her priorities did not waver. A Japanese diplomat was the one who helped Faye and her mom to secure temporary pass so they could return to the Philippines. The money they won was just enough for their fare back home and their temporary passport. When Faye was relating this story before a crowd, she said, " Let us love our nation, for nobody else will." Faye did not allow her painful experiences to tear down her loyalty to her country. She is not a celebrity but a servant out to serve her fellow Filipino. A Small Way to Greatness. Our concept of leadership in this country is pitifully skewed. We mistakenly think that leadership is about "lording" it over other people. Christ corrected this distorted thinking when he said, "You know that those who are regarded as rulers of the Gentiles lord it over them, and their high officials exercise authority over them. Not so with you, instead, whoever wants to become great among you must be your servant, and whoever wants to be first must be slave of all - Mark 10:42-44 Sadly, we are far from the precept of this truth. It is no surprise then that we have a dearth of real leaders in this country-leaders who would set the nation's interests above their own. In the same way, our concept of citizenship is damaged. Those seeking for social good for themselves are never willing to grant the same good to others. Hence it is common for us hear stories of Filipinos who take advantage of their fellow citizens. We want to be served, but we are unwilling to serve. We dream of becoming like Jasmine Trias. We want our children to be like her. We would rather spend on things that would make us look good instead of things that would make us grow in character. We prefer stardom glitter over service-oriented endeavors. Quite the contrary, Faye spend sleepless nights studying to win the competition because she knows her priorities. Unlike Jasmine Trias, Faye did not receive a hero's welcome when she cam back, but, young as she is, she keeps calling on Filipinos to love the Philippines because every Filipino is a valuable gift of God. Life, really is not a matter of intelligence but a matter of setting our priorities right. The question is, what's our focus on "grand"things that make us superficial or on simple things that lead us to greatness? Faye's story reminds us all to look within ourselves. This eleven year old girl could have complained to the media, but she did not. She went out of her own small way to bring greatness to this land. Right priorities grant us wisdom. When properly set, priorities point us to the right people we need to invest in, the right use of our energy, the right resources to draw from, and the right endeavors support. From the words of Faye's mother, " We all wanted to win, but success is not measured through by merely winning. It is measured through our hearts, if it is truly attuned with God all the time. It is all that really matters for we have only an Audience of One. Whatever we have achieved, big or small, remember one thing: it is for God and God alone. The King of the Kingdom of a higher world.
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