p.s. "Nasaan Ka Man"-- is a very remarkable movie. I loved it.  ¶ 9:52 PM 0 comments

  weakness...etc etc there are many times when I wanted to give up
in fact, I have given up many battles
many of which I never even dared to fight...

there are many times when I wanted to escape
all the while, I was just trying to run away
to nowhere...

there are many times when I wanted to pretend
but all those times I was just fooling around
only to hurt myself more...

there are many times when I just wanted to die
but heck, I just can't
my life is not mine...

---------------

i wanted to be a strong person
only to find myself wallowing in weaknesses

i wanted to be away from the world
but i just keep on getting hurt running in the middle of it

i wanted to hide in a blanket
only to get suffocated from cowardice and surmounting troubles

i wanted to chase all my troubles away
but it seems like I'm keeping them longer

i wanted my questions to be answered
but they just keep on piling up

i wanted to get away from getting distressed
but that only means to stay away from myself

-------

Honestly there are even times when I wanted to talk to my father.... I wanted to ask, but I really don't know what to say. Actually, what can I do? He's already dead, face it Ivy. You know it's all gone why dwell on it?... Nothing can be done except to wait for that day when you meet again somewhere in Hade's paradise.

I'm not mourning. It's been six years. I guess I'm just not too stupid to keep myself in constant shock of disbelief. My father's dead! My grandpas' are all dead, my uncles and an aunt are dead. My mom's coworkers (healthier they may be) died in an awful car crash... But you know what? I'm not crying anymore. Death is a fact of life... They say death is the last enemy. We shouldn't be scared, people die--> That's only normal. Many people are even scared to die... That's even more normal...

I have learned some lesson back in the hospital, when my momma's doctor talked with sense. (she appears to be mukhang pera--> somebody's judgement...not mine). She said she had a patient once, who got limb by a car accident. Then years later, she was diagnosed with cancer. The doctor wondered why her patient seemed to be happy, with all smiles despite those "sufferings". One day, she finally saw her patient crying. Now, the doctor was even more troubled to note that she's not that way. Then she took the move and asked her why this time she was crying... Then she said: " Doc, nakita mo yung plane crash sa Samal? Kahit na mas healthy sila sa akin, ako buhay pa hanggang ngayon. Binigyan din ako ng chance ni Lord na iprepare ang aking soul, pero sila, tingnan mo, di man lang binigyan ng chance na iprepare sarili nila, namatay sila agad na wala man lang warning."---> in english " Doc, have you seen the plane crash in Samal? Even though they have healthier bodies than mine, I'm still alive up to today. God gave me a chance to prepare my soul, but look at them, they didn't even have that chance, they just died without warning"==(info : there was a plane crash in samal island, nobody survived, body parts were even scattered throughout the crash site (i.e. hands hanging on a coconut tree--> found by their stinking rots)).

True. Seeing the good things beyond what we deem bad. His ways are indeed higher than ours. What's good may actually appear bad, especially in first impressions. God devices ways to change the hearts of those He loves. He loves us all. Only God can change our appointment with death. There's nothing and nobody more powerful than Him. Love is the most powerful. (reminds me... somebody just underestimated love as just "a feeling"... well, let's just see how that feeling can make that person's world go round...)

------

Oh well, I'm just in this sinking feeling...
Depressing.
But anyway, I'm never alone.
I believe in God. Actually, He is real, and I don't have to prove it to anyone.  ¶ 8:51 PM 0 comments

  ingrata I'm one...sigh...

Oh how I wanted so many things to happen... Apparently, I'm slowly drowning into the ocean of boredom... weird boredom... I'm bored yet I have so many things to do, the catch is that I don't do them. urgh.. I hate to be useless but I'm ever lazy...

ugh...

---------------------

oh yeah, pinoy bands are cool! I also like kitchie nadal ^_^, same ground and bulong... here's bulong lyrics

bulong

Ikaw ba'y nalulungkot?
Nababalut pa ng poot,maraming hinanakit sa mundo.
Di alam anong gagawin kundi ubusin ang oras sa gin.
Akala mo'y iya'y may mararating.

Hoy kaibigan ko!
Pakinggan mo ang mga bulong sa 'yo.
Ito'y di galing sa mundo.
Patungo sa pangakong paraiso.

Nasaan ang talino mo?
Diskarte kamo ng kano!
Apakan ang lahat kahit pa paa mo!
Minsan ang kagitingan ay wala sa bigat ng pinapasan.

Sa pagsuko't pagharap ng kabiguan.Hoy kaibigan ko!
Pakinggan mo ang mga bulong sa 'yo.
Ito'y di galing sa mundo.
Patungo sa pangakong paraiso.

Tumatakbo ang oras.
Gumising ka't bumangun na.
Pagka't hindi na ikaw ang biktima.
Hoy kaibigan ko!P

akinggan mo ang mga bulong sa 'yo.
Ito'y di galing sa mundo.
Patungo sa pangakong paraiso.
Hoy kaibigan ko!

Pakinggan mo ang mga bulong sa 'yo.
Ito'y di galing sa mundo.
Patungo sa pangakong paraiso.

here's same ground... actually kitchie is not the real composer... I know who the real composer is, she just gave the song to kitchie for free so i guess by right, the song is kitchie's now.. But dang! She's good! and yah, I have met the real composer, she said she doesn't care if she doesn't get anything from the success, she's already contented to hear her song on the radio and watch it on tv... that's actually (accdg to her) a composers dream; her dream came true!. admirable, i daresay... No KIDDIN! her cousin kasi is one famous guy in manila and somehow linked to those producers or maybe to kitchie herself. I have seen her cousin on tv as well. And according to my sister, the composer herself have been humming that song even before kitchie's album was released...

same ground

My love
Its been a long time since i cried
and left you out of the blue.
Its hard leaving you that way when
I never wanted to.

Self-denial is a game
Its strange i never would've
wanted if until there was you.

Because i have learned that love is beyond
what human can imagine,
the more it clears the more i have to let you go.

[Chorus:]
But now i don't understand why im feeling
so bad now when i know it was my idea.
i could've just denied the truth and lied.
but why am i the only one standing stranded
on the same ground?

My love
Its been a long time since i cried
and left you out of the blue.
Its hard leaving you that way when
I never wanted to.

Self-denial is a game
Its strange i never would've
wanted if until there was you.

because i have learned that love is a
word gets thrown a little bit too much.
the best excuse to fill the infinite abyss
i never have to

[chorus]

if all else fail
would you be there to love me?
when all else fail, would you be brave to see right
through me?

=-----=

here's a revival by MYMP (make your mama proud)---pinoy band... I like to sing it the way they sing it ^_^.

tell me where it hurts

why is that sad look in your eyes
why are you crying?
tell me now, tell me now
tell me, why you're feelin' this way
i hate to see you so down, oh baby!

is it your heart
Oh that's breakin all the pieces
makin you cry
makin you feel blue
is there anything that i can do?

[CHORUS:]
Why don't you tell me where it hurts now, baby
And I'll do my best to make it better
Yes, I'll do my best to make the tears all go away
Just tell me where it hurts
Now, tell me
And I love you with a love so tender
Oh and if you let me stay
I'll love all of the hurt away

Where are all those tears coming from
Why are they falling?
somebody, somebody, somebody leave your heart in the cold
You just need somebody to hold on, baby
(Give me a chance)
To put back all the pieces
Take hold of your heart
Make it just like new
There's so many things that I can do

[Chorus]
[Instrumental]

Is it your heart
Oh, that's breakin' all in pieces
Makin' you cry
Makin' you feel blue
Is there anything that I can do

[CHORUS]

Tell me, tell me, tell me, tell me baby
Tell me, tell me, tell me, tell me

And I'll do my best to make it better
Yes, I'll do my best to make the tears all go away
Just tell me where it hurts
Now, tell me
And I love you with a love so tender
Oh, and if you let me stay
I'll love all of the hurt away  ¶ 1:16 PM 0 comments

  simply irritable I don't want to be like those bloggers who simply write down all their frustrations in their blogs concerning other people. But I guess for this post, I'm bent to be one.

I'm frustrated of my mom. Ang tigas kasi ng ulo niya. Her diet must be controlled bt she keeps on complaining, and maybe unknown to me, she has been eating more than what I thought normal... It was just this morning that we learned she can't have her second chemo, after a week delay... And now, she's gonna have another week of delay... Ugh... I wish it can be helped because that waste protein barely ,as in BARELY!, dropped down (last week 119 now 118, and normal is 113)...

I'm frustrated of my neice. Bakit ba yung mga taong endowed with good looks kadalasan malaki ang ulo? (i mean, suplada at pinagkakatuwaan ang kapangitan ng iba). Just because a person is beautiful, they have the right to laugh at other people's "ugly" faces. Oh God, they really don't! And it really pisses me off big time. It gives me this loathful heart, if only I do wish to disappoint my Lord, I'd be visibly showing my fury to people like her.

I'm frustrated of my younger sister. She has been the same old irritable sister, who has been treated like some hell of a "queen" by her friends and who has enjoyed the treatment. I told her frankly that she's "maldita" (see spanish dictionary), but she keeps on denying it. She tells me that we don't understand, to us she is but to her friends she's not. She's more patient and understanding to them. But to us, it's like she has to be pleased all the time to be of pleasant character towards us. She's not used to think of other people's feeling when she is feeling bad (even though other's might have felt worse than her).

I'm frustrated of myself, to get easily frustrated of the imperfectness of the world. I'm frustrated to get frustrated. I'm frustrated because I'm imperfect. I'm frustrated of myself to see things this way. I'm frustrated of envy. I'm frustrated of self-centeredness. I'm frustrated to be irritable like my sister but with different reasons to be irritable.

I'm also frustrated to belong to a family of back and even frontbiters (if there is such a thing)--> their source of enjoyment when they gather (i mean my parent's generation) if they are not talking about travelling, their children, etc. In fairness though, they do this to someone connected to the family somehow, i.e. boyfriends or girlfriends... My family (the extended as a whole in my mother's side) is proud to have been usually endowed with good looks. I tell ya, Spanish blood is really prominent in their looks. Tall, fair/white skinned, some even have some brunette hair while others with freckles (yeah... I know freckels aren't beauty thing...), hazelnut eyes, etc... a.k.a. "pretty" looks accdg to some standard... Okay... I know they are just not me, but I don't wallow in self-pity for those things. I'm not even discriminated because such things are all in the mind and I know that those things are just things that can be seen, they fade away. But you see the essential things are those unseen, it is even in the bible. Anyway, back to my point, I'm frustrated because just because they are blessed doesn't mean they can go on like that.

On the good side... My extended family is bonding well. We also help each other; in every aspect of support that can be given, we give. There is love too... I may be frustrated of the imprefections (and I guess that can subside and be understood as part of life and can even be changed for the better), I'm blessed to have them. I love them too...

I'm somehow frustrated to have opted for electrical engineering because I don't want to fail.

Anyway... I hope I won't be frustrated anymore after writing this =).  ¶ 1:53 PM 0 comments

  untitled wow... i feel like that of a person in a movie, in a futuristic world, doing something and aware that the world's gonna end. I'm trying to patiently download Josh's choir song Credo and playing the part that has been downloaded. Well, it is "spooky" in a sense (maybe I'm just feeling it), but i like it... Ganun siguro ang mga pang international competition songs ^_^... Czech surely is nice... hehe... I wish I could be one of the audience dun sa choir competition na yun. I'd be elated to hear wonderful music... ^_^... I really like it kapag naninindig ang balahibo ko...hahaha... it's like I'm feeling the intensity.... the wonder, the quality ^_^... How I wish that my family got a history of musicians, at least I could get the chance to learn those music notes and keys when I was younger. Well, I thought I was good at it in elementary, expertly learning the basic (because I also got the chance to sing in the choir and my music teacher was my favorite, I also got the highest grade in music. But I lacked pratise. Now, I forgot the basics... What can be helped there? I also got to sing in a "choir" in high school but that was short and well, I didn't learn stuff from there. College? err... hall?... ya so... nevermind...). I currently want to join in a choir group but I'm discouraged of my incapability. Oh well...

I'm in Midsayap, currently waiting for my mom. She went to the parlor, me? IC. In the Internet Cafe (IC)^_^, trying to get myself a plane ticket! It's already the third credit card and still, it's not working! '_'

Where oh where is Korsi's blog?? I can't open it... It seems to be deleted because when I type her blog address and enter, it says not found! Is she renovating it? Or evacuating??? Dunno... but hope to hear soon... She got no idea how i depended on her blog to go to other people's blog and actually I usually start off reading other people's blog with hers... ^_^ hehe... =) la lang... Maybe a lil later... haha..  ¶ 4:35 PM 0 comments

  summer sighings summer time...

reminisce...

Frankly, when I was 7, I was timid and was trying to tell the "world", my world that is, that I knew everything. When I was 12 I thought I knew enough. When I stepped into Pisay, I guessed that I needed a bit more... When I was 15 I thought, hey, maybe I it's already enough, all these aesthetically flowered topics and words are mere ornaments to decorate my head. I even thought I was matured enough after the turmoils I've faced. (In fact, unknown to myself I was just getting started.) When I turned 17, well, maybe I was wrong about what I said a couple of years ago. And now, that I have come of age, I guess I needed to get started again. Maybe I don't know enough. I don't know everything. I don't know anything at all. Is backward growth the key to actually grow? Or a remedy to those who foolishly thought that they could handle themselves? Erm...

Seriously, they say (personality tests) I'm the type who can fairly asses characters, but hugely indecisive... Very true especially for the latter. But I think I'm trying, I just hope I'm not going too far from what I think I could handle...I'm trying to decide... To choose who I really am... To myself, to my family, to my friends... selfish... Is that what I hold dear? (myself?) or are those (friends,family?) what I trully hold dear that I just can't give it all to Him?... sad life... What beauty to see things the way the Lord does. But it is actually hard... Nothing's easy anyway... And really, I do hold those dear to me... I'm not ready, I too coward. I'm too stubborn...

What's with my melancholy? Maybe I'm just like this when I write, rarely in person. Maybe I don't follow my ideals. Maybe I'm just scared. Maybe... Maybe... I don't know if this is the end of the so-called self-identity search of teens, or just the beginning, but for sure, I'm actually wondering inside. I'm being shut.

------------------------------------

Wow, I'm glad to hear Filipinos doing excellent stuff in NUS... Si Kuya Paul, ang galing... I'm in awe... I wish I can be like him.... But I'm too dismayed of myself... Maybe I needed more concentration or else I shall land way below what I dreamed of...

hmmm... Am I holding dear of my dreams?

------------------------------------
old friends...
they must be tired of my blabberings...
I'm tired of keeping in touch, they must be tired of hearing my stuff...
I think I better stop. I don't know if I shall be missed. But they are missed. I can't always look back now. I have tried, but they don't care (as I deem). They have new sets of friends now, and life must go on. Maybe they forgot me, who am I to be remembered anyway? I just keep on popping out of the corner. Maybe I should disappear for a while, a long one. ^_^
Maritoba... Forever... Letters... Food... Birthdays... Parties... Shakeys... ^_^

I guess I must move on as well... Maintain what I can keep and find new ones too... But they, the past, will not be forgotten, and like what I said before, they will always be a part of my life... Always...

Maybe they all say in chorus that I too must move on, for myself. They can't always be there for me, for I am not with them. And in the same manner, I can't always be there for them. We have parted 2 years/ 6 years ago, why didn't I hammer that to my head? at least to avoid some pain ya? stupid me... I must have loved them dearly that I just can't let go, but I can't be happy anyway. Stupid... But I have my reasons. I just can't decide...

Fare you well old friends. I shall not bother you again. I don't know if you could get the chance to read this post, but maybe this will serve some commitment for myself, that I shall stop. I'm not gonna give up friendship, that's crazy. I'm just gonna move on and live with new ones... Adapt and survive normally, not depending too much on virtual relationships and the like but on actual tears and craziness, fun times and parties, trials, etc...

-------------------------------

Maybe I hold myself dearly... I wouldn't be writing melancholic stuff especially about myself if the Lord did not hammer ME. For six years, I have been living away from my family and I guess for many many more years still. For such a time, the long 6 years,I have felt the need of independence, I believed that I can't survive without it. I have separated myself from indulgent socializations. I only had myself. A lone traveller... Maybe that's why people find people like me to be weird (i.e. who can eat alone in dining tables, who can opt to travel alone, who usually do things alone-jog,play,etc) because I have learned and had no choice but to detach myself from too much dependence in being with others. I'm not scared to be alone because ever since I usually was, physically (sanayan lang kung baga);however, the Lord protects me. I actually love company, but I can't be drawn back from my errands without one.

------------------------------

memories will always be mine...

God bless!

-------------------------------  ¶ 9:08 PM 0 comments

  june july 2 more months! SO SHORT!

i just watched ms gay yesterday (yep, you guessed right, fiesta is drawing close), and I actually thought that such competitions can be bad. First, it promotes 3rd sex if there really is such a thing. Second, even desperate men who badly needs money will have to give up their pride and disobey who they are just to join the pageant. Third, it can destroy self esteem especially the gays who are being terribly laughed at... I admit it was entertaining but slipping into the shoes of those badly treated, I felt it was demeaning...

My mom's getting bald, but anyway I realized that God is also carrying us in this trial. Relatives are helping us out and even bonding together (as an extended family) more than ever before. Yesterday we just had volleyball again, in my aunt's land beside the airport (it was vacant and windy ^_^). My cousin even suggested that next time we do some picnic there... Wow, what love...

I just read ate cla's encouragement in our yahoogroup email. It was encouraging... and I came over a paragraph that struck me again and again, as always... About us getting mentally stripped of what we actually hold dearly until the only thing we hold on unto is the Lord... I'm wondering... What do I really hold dearly now? I cannot clearly identify but I need to know. I'm certain that I'm still holding on to this thing... I hope that the Lord will provide enlightenment.

God bless!

-thanks kor ^_^-  ¶ 4:42 PM 0 comments

  cool! I was able to open my DBS account here in the Philippines! and was surprised to see about 2000 pesos cash or 60 dollars on it... Hmm... I must have deposited some money on it but I cannot remember... So now! I'm not planning to create another account (i think it was POSB) because I can actually open my DBS atm here! Surely I would save money and see whooping figures next time around...hehe... Thanks to Philippine peso at least I have chances of seeing actually 5 digits in my bank account here... at least ^_^...

So maybe I really don't have a problem in my DBS account. But I'll still be sending the cheque, in case. and I also have to deal about my ticket back home. =)

Oh well, I guess people are enjoying their vacation!

Enjoy the sun! Get those tans! =)

Josh! Be glad still! At least you can go to Europe =). Unlike us who are still wishing... But one day... he he it will come =) it will no longer be in dreams!

Surely my Lord loves me =) Even in my darkest hours He makes me smile =)

SSA2211 THE EVOLUTION OF A GLOBAL CITY-STATE A

Yes, the only module that I exerted much effort on. My first ever A =) In the history of my NUS life =). I love SS! I love my tutor! I love my classmate! I love the Lord!... Sorry If I may sound bragging. Forgive me this time around, it's my source of gladness because I was just too down weeks ago. Let me take my time to breathe and be happy again. At least I can make my mama proud that I finally had an A. A painstaking A. I destroyed my 20-20 vision, and spent many sleepy afternoons in the Lib. for that (Oh! I love sleeping in the lib!). I realized that it is tough to get an A. I must overcome laziness, put my utmost interest not only on the teacher but on the subject as well... (hihi)... Although my CAP is still erhm... nevermind... my SAP is better to look at I believe . Although I think I can still do better. All I have to do now is apply what I did for my SS to all my engineering subjects! (WAAAAAAA!!!!!!)

Praise the Lord!INDEED NO labor is in vain when it is done for Him!  ¶ 11:49 AM 2 comments

  sigh now i got to mail a cheque or else bye bye to my dbs account...

sigh... it was my own stupidity that brought me in this situation... but i hope it is possible to ask friends to deposit some cash to my unknown savings account... hehe... geez its really all my stupid darn fault...

I'm in bohol right now and finally i have met my aunt and grandma for the first time (but now we are actually leaving for home). Oh my golly she's (my aunt who somehow looks like me) actually the person i wanted to be before, she's in FBI and now more on US army... Wowness! and her husband (my uncle), a caucasian american, is also a coolness! He is the size of Mr. Watt, my sem 2 physics prof, real nice and sweet and knows how to make real guns! woohoo! He's really pretty nice. and yeah, there were some controversies over their american friend who was invited all along... hint? he's desperately looking for a Pinay wife...38 years old in the FBI as well...

I miss my church life... I miss my campus crusade life... I miss the times that I used to enjoy... I'm a sucker again... and really, i'm troubling myself unnecessarily...

Ja!  ¶ 12:50 PM 0 comments