tEa TiMe!!!
Saturday, October 30, 2004
it's time to move
i've been a slacker for this sem... Yesterday, I did the most slacking thing to do. I slept the whole day! Missing two lectures and maths tutorials that I never even completed to answer. I even decided to really go for that tutorial because I can't answer a bunch of questions but then I ended up utterly tired and immobile, as in dizzy... There's no point of showing up because my mind wouldn't be working anyway...
by the time i woke up, I wasn't the silly me 8 hours earlier or even 12 or 24... I don't know...
maybe the best word to describe me right now is disoriented...
sad... sniff....sniff...
why do people make it hard for me to do what God wants me to do?
why am I making it hard for myself?
i know God's working in me... But i'm like this because I'm in my spiritual low... or a bit low...
even though the enemy prowls around waiting for this moment to lure me to sinning a lot, I will not relent because God is always there at my aid for strength and guidance..
and yeah... I'm a bit happy because I finally found the biblical proof of what I've been upholding as a "Christian principle"... It's in Hebrews 10:23 " Let us hold enswervingly to the hope we profess, for he who promised is faithful"... yes, i've been a Christian for long now, and what made me last is because I follow that verse all along... I'm holding on to the Lord's promise that he will claim us back one day and we will live in His paradise forever... A paradise that could never be imagined here on earth... I'm holding on to the promise that we will be taken away from this fallen world... I'm holding on and I still want to hold on... Lord make and help me...
¶ 7:51 PM 0 comments
by the time i woke up, I wasn't the silly me 8 hours earlier or even 12 or 24... I don't know...
maybe the best word to describe me right now is disoriented...
sad... sniff....sniff...
why do people make it hard for me to do what God wants me to do?
why am I making it hard for myself?
i know God's working in me... But i'm like this because I'm in my spiritual low... or a bit low...
even though the enemy prowls around waiting for this moment to lure me to sinning a lot, I will not relent because God is always there at my aid for strength and guidance..
and yeah... I'm a bit happy because I finally found the biblical proof of what I've been upholding as a "Christian principle"... It's in Hebrews 10:23 " Let us hold enswervingly to the hope we profess, for he who promised is faithful"... yes, i've been a Christian for long now, and what made me last is because I follow that verse all along... I'm holding on to the Lord's promise that he will claim us back one day and we will live in His paradise forever... A paradise that could never be imagined here on earth... I'm holding on to the promise that we will be taken away from this fallen world... I'm holding on and I still want to hold on... Lord make and help me...
¶ 7:51 PM 0 comments
Sunday, October 24, 2004
alarmed...
I'm basically under alarm. I don't know if this is paranoia or foresight or maybe some "sixth" sense but I have this feeling that I'm again going to be in trouble in some ways... One, another relationship with a fellow Christian, financial (i think most of us are) and studies...
well, the most alarming is another relationship with a fellow Christian... I think... Or I must have been playing around too much that I didn't bother what that person might think about my actions if taken in serious terms... i.e. that person might think i'm getting so immature or ridiculous because I'm taking things so easy or making some not funny jokes, or maybe i'm taking advantage ( which I swear to God, was not any one of my heart's intentions!)... I just want to enjoy life because things are getting too serious... I guess I just want to alleviate things by putting some shallow life above what has been going on... I know people face challenges and sufferings, and we are all, Christians or not, facing the same thing... So I understand why that person might think of me that way and even find me ludicrous! or so I think with a tinge of exaggeration ... oh well, this blog is just an outlet for this...
and because of that... Im here again, lost... For I don't know what step I should take next... I'm thinking of moving on, for the two of us must have fallen short somewhere, no need to consolidate because God will do it... but then... Proverbs 3:5-6... "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him and He will direct your paths"... there... trust... a hard thing when all doesn't SEEM right, but the Lord is my OVERSEER so I have to trust in Him for this thing , which I know, is beyond my control and I'm readilly giving up that I can't fix this on my own... and I hope to do so...
financial... Hmm... i have taken money lightly for it had DESTROYED my family before... God knows how traumatic it was for me (i doubt some people around me really knows how traumatic it was for a 12 year old girl, but oh well, God has a different plan for them) and understands why I'm like this... But then, in budgetting money, I have taken that trauma way too far that I never care and I just want to give it all away.. Like money would never be my concern, or I wont let my money limit me from doing things that might please myself and also God... But then, haha, the light concern, with a bit of selfishness is now coming back to me... To this pennyless state, where I have to ask money from my mom again... Stupid of me to realize just now that I'm making the money situation hard for my family and maybe push them to do something not nice at all! ALARM! ALARM! Sometimes, I want to say, heck with people who tells me that money is important and that time is gold. They value money and forget the purpose of having them! They just amass their wealth, and forget the point why they should have them. They overlook the reason why God blessed them with those... but well, I don't know and I don't want to talk about it either, it's their life, I don't want to be too nosey... I don't like money matters... I just don't like how people treat money in their lives. I don't like the fact that many loved money! The love for many is the root of many evils! (oh well. another effect brought to you by, my traumatic history!) but then... in my alarming financial situation, I have no choice again but to trust God in whatever would happen. Hebrews 13:5 -->" He will never leave me nor forsake me"... And this time, I better learn!
I hope to find work though and maybe save some money for future rainy days if God permits. But I do pray for it and well, I hope that people may also pray it for me... =)
Studies... well, I see people around me studying... But I was inspired by someone, who, takes God first even over studying! She attends group meetings even knowing that the finals are drawing near... She only studies once a week, Wednesday night, because the rest of the days either she got church services or groups meetings so she's busy for the Lord and not for studies, remarkably SHE'S A DL! and yeah, she emphasized that even during the reading week, she still attended meetings and didn't dare miss one! She became a Christian by choice a little less earlier than I did (in terms of age--> sec 2), and it's remarkable and admirable that she has this zeal and trust in the Lord... I admire her, I wish I could do something similar, not for thinking that I will be a DL also but for the point that we don't have to drown ourselves with studies and forget about God, and even later blame Him for our bad results... Reminds me about a millionaire seminar guy once told us in a seminar (obviously =) ); he said that a degree in college is just a ticket to your first job, and everything else will have to do on how you take the opportunities and act during and after it... because obviously, many topnotchers are working for companies while many normal college students are millionaires (i.e. that seminar guy, bill gates--> even a kick out) because they know how to handle opportunities and DO NOT KNOW how to give up! So even though studies may turn out so bad, the Lord still loves me, my family still loves me, and I know I still have hope as long as the Lord still allows me to live! and Isaiah 40:31 "for those who hope in the Lord, will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles. They will run and not grow weary; they will walk and not be faint." I think I shouldn't be that alarmed but I still have to act!
So... I'll leave to the Lord whatever happens... Of course, I will do what I can for studying and I will try to do it for Him... But I won't overdo studying to the point that I will neglect Him. No! I will also try not to miss meetings that could glorify His name... Although, I'm still contemplating whether I could really do these things, one thing is for sure, I will allow God to slowly change me to the person He wants me to be... I may be doing some "eating my words" stuff, but I'll make it my choice that as much as possible I'll stick to what I've said... Nobody's perfect (else that person should be physically dead because God has finished His work in him/her...hehehe... isn't it nice, to die physically and live with the Lord forever? away from all the sufferings this fallen world offers? but as for the living, we should hold on to God's promise that He will finish his work on us, and that the Lord will reclaim His inheritance, us Christians, in the time of His glory) but we should never give up trying to be perfect!
It is funny that some people fear death and some do not... but the wonderful observation is, fear of death is more prevalent among Non-Christians because they do not have the hope and the promises of God to hold on to. If we love God, we ought to have this burden of sharing the hope and God's wonderful promises to others! Besides, in Psalms 145:13b, God is faithful to His promises! I'll check myself with this too... ;)
God bless!
¶ 9:54 PM 0 comments
well, the most alarming is another relationship with a fellow Christian... I think... Or I must have been playing around too much that I didn't bother what that person might think about my actions if taken in serious terms... i.e. that person might think i'm getting so immature or ridiculous because I'm taking things so easy or making some not funny jokes, or maybe i'm taking advantage ( which I swear to God, was not any one of my heart's intentions!)... I just want to enjoy life because things are getting too serious... I guess I just want to alleviate things by putting some shallow life above what has been going on... I know people face challenges and sufferings, and we are all, Christians or not, facing the same thing... So I understand why that person might think of me that way and even find me ludicrous! or so I think with a tinge of exaggeration ... oh well, this blog is just an outlet for this...
and because of that... Im here again, lost... For I don't know what step I should take next... I'm thinking of moving on, for the two of us must have fallen short somewhere, no need to consolidate because God will do it... but then... Proverbs 3:5-6... "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him and He will direct your paths"... there... trust... a hard thing when all doesn't SEEM right, but the Lord is my OVERSEER so I have to trust in Him for this thing , which I know, is beyond my control and I'm readilly giving up that I can't fix this on my own... and I hope to do so...
financial... Hmm... i have taken money lightly for it had DESTROYED my family before... God knows how traumatic it was for me (i doubt some people around me really knows how traumatic it was for a 12 year old girl, but oh well, God has a different plan for them) and understands why I'm like this... But then, in budgetting money, I have taken that trauma way too far that I never care and I just want to give it all away.. Like money would never be my concern, or I wont let my money limit me from doing things that might please myself and also God... But then, haha, the light concern, with a bit of selfishness is now coming back to me... To this pennyless state, where I have to ask money from my mom again... Stupid of me to realize just now that I'm making the money situation hard for my family and maybe push them to do something not nice at all! ALARM! ALARM! Sometimes, I want to say, heck with people who tells me that money is important and that time is gold. They value money and forget the purpose of having them! They just amass their wealth, and forget the point why they should have them. They overlook the reason why God blessed them with those... but well, I don't know and I don't want to talk about it either, it's their life, I don't want to be too nosey... I don't like money matters... I just don't like how people treat money in their lives. I don't like the fact that many loved money! The love for many is the root of many evils! (oh well. another effect brought to you by, my traumatic history!) but then... in my alarming financial situation, I have no choice again but to trust God in whatever would happen. Hebrews 13:5 -->" He will never leave me nor forsake me"... And this time, I better learn!
I hope to find work though and maybe save some money for future rainy days if God permits. But I do pray for it and well, I hope that people may also pray it for me... =)
Studies... well, I see people around me studying... But I was inspired by someone, who, takes God first even over studying! She attends group meetings even knowing that the finals are drawing near... She only studies once a week, Wednesday night, because the rest of the days either she got church services or groups meetings so she's busy for the Lord and not for studies, remarkably SHE'S A DL! and yeah, she emphasized that even during the reading week, she still attended meetings and didn't dare miss one! She became a Christian by choice a little less earlier than I did (in terms of age--> sec 2), and it's remarkable and admirable that she has this zeal and trust in the Lord... I admire her, I wish I could do something similar, not for thinking that I will be a DL also but for the point that we don't have to drown ourselves with studies and forget about God, and even later blame Him for our bad results... Reminds me about a millionaire seminar guy once told us in a seminar (obviously =) ); he said that a degree in college is just a ticket to your first job, and everything else will have to do on how you take the opportunities and act during and after it... because obviously, many topnotchers are working for companies while many normal college students are millionaires (i.e. that seminar guy, bill gates--> even a kick out) because they know how to handle opportunities and DO NOT KNOW how to give up! So even though studies may turn out so bad, the Lord still loves me, my family still loves me, and I know I still have hope as long as the Lord still allows me to live! and Isaiah 40:31 "for those who hope in the Lord, will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles. They will run and not grow weary; they will walk and not be faint." I think I shouldn't be that alarmed but I still have to act!
So... I'll leave to the Lord whatever happens... Of course, I will do what I can for studying and I will try to do it for Him... But I won't overdo studying to the point that I will neglect Him. No! I will also try not to miss meetings that could glorify His name... Although, I'm still contemplating whether I could really do these things, one thing is for sure, I will allow God to slowly change me to the person He wants me to be... I may be doing some "eating my words" stuff, but I'll make it my choice that as much as possible I'll stick to what I've said... Nobody's perfect (else that person should be physically dead because God has finished His work in him/her...hehehe... isn't it nice, to die physically and live with the Lord forever? away from all the sufferings this fallen world offers? but as for the living, we should hold on to God's promise that He will finish his work on us, and that the Lord will reclaim His inheritance, us Christians, in the time of His glory) but we should never give up trying to be perfect!
It is funny that some people fear death and some do not... but the wonderful observation is, fear of death is more prevalent among Non-Christians because they do not have the hope and the promises of God to hold on to. If we love God, we ought to have this burden of sharing the hope and God's wonderful promises to others! Besides, in Psalms 145:13b, God is faithful to His promises! I'll check myself with this too... ;)
God bless!
¶ 9:54 PM 0 comments
Monday, October 18, 2004
God's ways are higher than mine...His grace is what all it takes...
A friend that I just met a few weeks back gave me a Christian magazine, to help me in my growing process... It was quite awesome because the messages in that issue hit me (again) with a hard blow on the face. Telling me that all the while, what I was doing is not at all pleasing to my Lord. The issue, which I believe God really intended it to be, is about grace. It talked about how self-effort could make us helpless and how allowing God's grace to come to us could make all the difference...
Growing for the Lord through self-effort is not what God really wanted for us; He wants us to let Him work on us... All these times I've been trying to do things on my own, maybe as what Abraham had done after God initially promised him that he will have a son of his flesh--> Abraham on his own made an effort to have a child after this, so he had a child but with Hagar not with his wife... For Abraham knew that it was impossible to have a child with Sarah coz she's barren. Abraham didn't realize that time that God is the All-Sufficient One until a time came, when He was 99 years old (he is finally convinced that it is humanly impossible to have a child at that age) that God showed up again and made that promise... And indeed God was able to do so (that's why Isaac was born) because Abraham trusted God and in His promise... This story is relevant to me. Before I got the magazine, I was nearly getting worn out of reading the bible and pushing myself to grow in the Lord. I didn't realize that self-effort is a futile attempt in growing for Him because it is not Him that's working but its me. I know God wanted me to grow for Him in the right way so God corrected me by sending His message through the magazine that was somehow out-of-the-blue somebody smsed me that she'll give me the magazine... (GOD IS REALLY BEHIND ALL OF THESE =) )...When I started reading the first few pages, suddenly, "my world shattered into pieces"... All the while, I was not really doing the right thing... Yes I got the desire to grow, but I didn't get the desired result all because I'm really not letting God do His thing on me!...
I'm now recovering from that nearly "shock of a lifetime." I'm starting to let go of everything and let God manage the way I grow... And lately, He had shown me a sample of His grace...
I have a Christian friend whom I don't really jibe with. we don't seem to get along well because we are two different people, and maybe opposite on many things that we often misunderstand each other (one common thing we got though is pride)... My downsloping relationship with that Christian friend was a big hindrance for me to grow because if the disputes we're having don't get settled, I'll be living like a hyprocrite... It's alarming because she's my sister in the Lord and yet we are not in good terms... I have brought this up to God and Satan have been playing with my emotions by injecting hatred and grudge in my heart every now and then. If I had not been aware, I'd still be suffering from the hatred-grudge torment. I told the Lord that I wanted to do something, but I'm a bit of a coward so I decided that writing her an honest letter, telling her all what I want her to know, would be a good option to start with... It was self effort... It just gave us ideas of why we still don't get along well like Christians do but nothing more, we still feel the "I don't know what will happen after this" or "okay, well, I don't really care what's next"... So I didn't know what to do for my efforts seemed nothing... I started giving up, coz I really can't do anything. My heart was depressed for it knew that I can't move on if the issue still continues. I gave up and well, maybe because when everything seemed hopeless, God came in because it was the opportunity He has been waiting for to do His thing =). (how "stupid" of me to not realize this earlier!) and this is how it all happened:
I came to church late because of my current state: " I don't want to care anymore because this is all getting wrong," I actually came late for the youth group meeting that we were supposed to have... When I came in, I surprised them with my injured hand and my not so okay facial expression... (I'm not really a good actress because I couldn't really hide my feelings!!!)... Then they checked up on me, and well, thinking that it's all getting wrong and I'm becoming a hypocrite (she's actually around), I suddenly broke into tears... I felt guilty and wrong... We were going to have a fellowship but my heart isn't at all "in the mood" because a mixture of hatred and conscience are confusing it... Then the youth group leader started to work on it (with of course God patiently guiding her)... Trying to break the "secret code" (because I would never want to tell them why unless they could identify the solution to my problem) of my suppressed emotions so that I'd tell the reason behind my long face... I wouldn't relent thinking that it's not going to work because we have tried it before and the dispute is still happening (maybe then because it was also self effort--> I swallowed my pride to talk to her)... Successfully, after going through many passages in the bible and reading a lot of things, she came across conclusions that hit me after so many attempts... They actually started as a weak "bullets" but as they progressed they became so strong that they ran right through me and slowly broke my "secret code" ... The conclusion was: We should trust in the Lord in everything because He is working on us (we are all a work in progress); the youth becomes weary and needs to get refreshed, and His plans are not to harm us but to prosper us...--> A bit of Proverbs 3:5-6, Isaiah 40... My friend also spoke up and realize that my main prob was between the two of us... and then after an hour or two of talk and breaking the code, I opened up, my friend opened up too with the assistance of our youth leader... Slowly, God worked through my heart to make it give in because this time it was Him who's working and it's really going to work... I gave in at first with reluctance, and slowly I started to accept the necessity, that I believe God has placed in my heart, that a fresh start should begin and all bad things must be forgotten (for they are already forgiven)... Then and there, I realised that God heard the cry of my heart for the past few days and solved my problem... He also helped my friend... It was a win-win situation even though it required us to shed our pride, which I never really expected to happen...
SEE HOW HE WORKS THINGS OUT? all the while I thought there's going to be no way out, indeed I would never figure out a better way... God is really fantastic! Wonderful! Great! Brilliant!... I believe this time it's really going to work... For this time it's His grace...
God is good! ALL THE TIME!
All the time! GOD IS GOOD!
¶ 12:56 PM 1 comments
Growing for the Lord through self-effort is not what God really wanted for us; He wants us to let Him work on us... All these times I've been trying to do things on my own, maybe as what Abraham had done after God initially promised him that he will have a son of his flesh--> Abraham on his own made an effort to have a child after this, so he had a child but with Hagar not with his wife... For Abraham knew that it was impossible to have a child with Sarah coz she's barren. Abraham didn't realize that time that God is the All-Sufficient One until a time came, when He was 99 years old (he is finally convinced that it is humanly impossible to have a child at that age) that God showed up again and made that promise... And indeed God was able to do so (that's why Isaac was born) because Abraham trusted God and in His promise... This story is relevant to me. Before I got the magazine, I was nearly getting worn out of reading the bible and pushing myself to grow in the Lord. I didn't realize that self-effort is a futile attempt in growing for Him because it is not Him that's working but its me. I know God wanted me to grow for Him in the right way so God corrected me by sending His message through the magazine that was somehow out-of-the-blue somebody smsed me that she'll give me the magazine... (GOD IS REALLY BEHIND ALL OF THESE =) )...When I started reading the first few pages, suddenly, "my world shattered into pieces"... All the while, I was not really doing the right thing... Yes I got the desire to grow, but I didn't get the desired result all because I'm really not letting God do His thing on me!...
I'm now recovering from that nearly "shock of a lifetime." I'm starting to let go of everything and let God manage the way I grow... And lately, He had shown me a sample of His grace...
I have a Christian friend whom I don't really jibe with. we don't seem to get along well because we are two different people, and maybe opposite on many things that we often misunderstand each other (one common thing we got though is pride)... My downsloping relationship with that Christian friend was a big hindrance for me to grow because if the disputes we're having don't get settled, I'll be living like a hyprocrite... It's alarming because she's my sister in the Lord and yet we are not in good terms... I have brought this up to God and Satan have been playing with my emotions by injecting hatred and grudge in my heart every now and then. If I had not been aware, I'd still be suffering from the hatred-grudge torment. I told the Lord that I wanted to do something, but I'm a bit of a coward so I decided that writing her an honest letter, telling her all what I want her to know, would be a good option to start with... It was self effort... It just gave us ideas of why we still don't get along well like Christians do but nothing more, we still feel the "I don't know what will happen after this" or "okay, well, I don't really care what's next"... So I didn't know what to do for my efforts seemed nothing... I started giving up, coz I really can't do anything. My heart was depressed for it knew that I can't move on if the issue still continues. I gave up and well, maybe because when everything seemed hopeless, God came in because it was the opportunity He has been waiting for to do His thing =). (how "stupid" of me to not realize this earlier!) and this is how it all happened:
I came to church late because of my current state: " I don't want to care anymore because this is all getting wrong," I actually came late for the youth group meeting that we were supposed to have... When I came in, I surprised them with my injured hand and my not so okay facial expression... (I'm not really a good actress because I couldn't really hide my feelings!!!)... Then they checked up on me, and well, thinking that it's all getting wrong and I'm becoming a hypocrite (she's actually around), I suddenly broke into tears... I felt guilty and wrong... We were going to have a fellowship but my heart isn't at all "in the mood" because a mixture of hatred and conscience are confusing it... Then the youth group leader started to work on it (with of course God patiently guiding her)... Trying to break the "secret code" (because I would never want to tell them why unless they could identify the solution to my problem) of my suppressed emotions so that I'd tell the reason behind my long face... I wouldn't relent thinking that it's not going to work because we have tried it before and the dispute is still happening (maybe then because it was also self effort--> I swallowed my pride to talk to her)... Successfully, after going through many passages in the bible and reading a lot of things, she came across conclusions that hit me after so many attempts... They actually started as a weak "bullets" but as they progressed they became so strong that they ran right through me and slowly broke my "secret code" ... The conclusion was: We should trust in the Lord in everything because He is working on us (we are all a work in progress); the youth becomes weary and needs to get refreshed, and His plans are not to harm us but to prosper us...--> A bit of Proverbs 3:5-6, Isaiah 40... My friend also spoke up and realize that my main prob was between the two of us... and then after an hour or two of talk and breaking the code, I opened up, my friend opened up too with the assistance of our youth leader... Slowly, God worked through my heart to make it give in because this time it was Him who's working and it's really going to work... I gave in at first with reluctance, and slowly I started to accept the necessity, that I believe God has placed in my heart, that a fresh start should begin and all bad things must be forgotten (for they are already forgiven)... Then and there, I realised that God heard the cry of my heart for the past few days and solved my problem... He also helped my friend... It was a win-win situation even though it required us to shed our pride, which I never really expected to happen...
SEE HOW HE WORKS THINGS OUT? all the while I thought there's going to be no way out, indeed I would never figure out a better way... God is really fantastic! Wonderful! Great! Brilliant!... I believe this time it's really going to work... For this time it's His grace...
God is good! ALL THE TIME!
All the time! GOD IS GOOD!
¶ 12:56 PM 1 comments
Saturday, October 16, 2004
hit twice...
my day started waking up early after the 5 hour long rehearsal for culture night play the night before... and that early is barely an hour earlier for my first ever softball training. I finally decided to show up else I'm out of the team... well, there is a big possibility that I'd be out... Maybe after being so lazy to show up for the past few weeks, due to my schedule and deadlines, I finally decided to do it this time around because I have to. The training lasts from 10 to 2, and i'm a bit afraid of the sun so, well, face it, I'm going to be darker again for fun... Anyway, as a whole, the training appeared like heaven and earth conspired against me to make this day not so good at all. I was hit twice with high speed softball balls. The first one was during the attempt of catching the ball at the home base ( i was the catcher). Our opponent was scoring because the last batter did a homerun hit. But, while catching the ball from the home base it landed on my unprotected right hand and lose grip of it. Fortunately, it destroyed the blister in my palm, although I was quite teary eyed to see my skin ripping off and my joints soring a bit. So the inning stopped, and teams switched, they set a score limit that time because their scoring seemed endless (since they still have 2 outs left with 6 or 8 points). I sat down on one side with a senior, enjoying the start of the inning while comforting my swelling palm and realizing that I can hardly bat in that situation, I told my senior that I wont bat (because I was supposed to be the second batter). "God must have willed something" is the thought that popped out from my head, I was kinda glad and grateful because even though pain is torturing my hand, it was to eliminate the icky blister away =). "God should have willed something to happen" because this time around, another high speed ball came flying towards us. While I was watching it coming to our direction, I was thinking of jumping off. However, I just decided to avert my body because I was kinda lazy with my hand in pain. And yeah, the ball hit me again, thank goodness it was just in the side of my ribcage. AND the inning came to a halt afterwards I believe... It was a manageable pain but I lowered my head to cover myself from crying (so some people taught the ball hit my head)... I wanted to cry because it was the second time around! My senior grabbed me, and assisted me to the toilet to check if there was any injury, I know i had none but I just wanted to go to the toilet to wash my face and stop myself from crying...
I still wanted to play... But the game stopped because of me... and these thoughts made me feel bad and made me want to cry more... anyway, after 15-20 mins in the toilet the urge to cry ceased and i got control of my emotions afterwards...
Another game started and my teammates sat on the side, resting. The game ended earlier than expected and we lost (although I think we scored 4 and then the game stopped after I got hit). I'm really touched by the concerns they're showing me (especially from the people I thought who were just stone-cold), and even made me want (at that moment) to "die-die" just to achieve the number of points required to stay in the hall... The people are just really nice...
After the training, we went straight back to the hall... While nibbling my lunch in my room , Chami (my friend) came and surprised me with some funny news. First, she heard I was hit twice, and second, she told me that Kaiwen, the team captain, jokingly told her to tell me that I shouldn't quit softball after having such an unfateful day... I made a good laugh about it because the taught was quite impossible to enter my current mind state. I really wanted to play, and the fact that I wasn't able to bat for my first game, made me want to show up for the next trainings. =)... no matter how humiliating it was to nearly cry in front of many people because of my wrong acts (catching the ball with my right hand--> should be with the left because it is protected, and sitting near the home base)...=) , I still want to play softball. =)
anyway, I felt good because I havent felt so much physical pain for a day for the longest time already.=)... it's actually refreshing... hehe.. it's kinda odd but I think it all happened because God knew it would make me feel better... He really knows me then! =)... haha... and i feel thankful although... well, I feel like wanting to miss the gathering later for the Lord because I'm very tired and I haven't done anything for my classes... I have a tutorial due on monday and a test next next week.. It's STATICS (the dreaded one =D ) so it shouldn't be taken easily especially now that I don't understand the lectures...=)
But anyway, those are just things that could make me BUSY (Being Under Satan's Yoke) so that I won't be able to praise the Lord later... kinda sad.... coz I know what should be done, but my body and me doesn't want to...
Uhh... I don't know.... but whatever happens, I'll just tell in the next entry.... I hope something nice would...
but that's it for now... God bless!
¶ 4:52 PM 0 comments
I still wanted to play... But the game stopped because of me... and these thoughts made me feel bad and made me want to cry more... anyway, after 15-20 mins in the toilet the urge to cry ceased and i got control of my emotions afterwards...
Another game started and my teammates sat on the side, resting. The game ended earlier than expected and we lost (although I think we scored 4 and then the game stopped after I got hit). I'm really touched by the concerns they're showing me (especially from the people I thought who were just stone-cold), and even made me want (at that moment) to "die-die" just to achieve the number of points required to stay in the hall... The people are just really nice...
After the training, we went straight back to the hall... While nibbling my lunch in my room , Chami (my friend) came and surprised me with some funny news. First, she heard I was hit twice, and second, she told me that Kaiwen, the team captain, jokingly told her to tell me that I shouldn't quit softball after having such an unfateful day... I made a good laugh about it because the taught was quite impossible to enter my current mind state. I really wanted to play, and the fact that I wasn't able to bat for my first game, made me want to show up for the next trainings. =)... no matter how humiliating it was to nearly cry in front of many people because of my wrong acts (catching the ball with my right hand--> should be with the left because it is protected, and sitting near the home base)...=) , I still want to play softball. =)
anyway, I felt good because I havent felt so much physical pain for a day for the longest time already.=)... it's actually refreshing... hehe.. it's kinda odd but I think it all happened because God knew it would make me feel better... He really knows me then! =)... haha... and i feel thankful although... well, I feel like wanting to miss the gathering later for the Lord because I'm very tired and I haven't done anything for my classes... I have a tutorial due on monday and a test next next week.. It's STATICS (the dreaded one =D ) so it shouldn't be taken easily especially now that I don't understand the lectures...=)
But anyway, those are just things that could make me BUSY (Being Under Satan's Yoke) so that I won't be able to praise the Lord later... kinda sad.... coz I know what should be done, but my body and me doesn't want to...
Uhh... I don't know.... but whatever happens, I'll just tell in the next entry.... I hope something nice would...
but that's it for now... God bless!
¶ 4:52 PM 0 comments
Thursday, October 14, 2004
true friends are for keeps...
well, i just came across something that tells that friends are temporal... whoever wrote that must have considered all his/her friends to be just temporary gifts, and in effect he/she becomes one to them...
I believe that the way you say about others, the way you criticize them is related to the way you are. You are either opposite to that "criticism" or similar...
back to friendship, if you consider your friends as gifts that last a lifetime and even beyond, you are as that to your friends. true friendship is mutual understanding not necessarily mutual giving and taking. I believe great friendships are based on giving, and expecting nothing in return at all. It's not giving up despite the barriers that arise in the course of time, such as geographical separation, a big quarrel that must be talked over with, and misunderstandings that must be settled with... It is holding on to the trust and the happy times together, growing up from the bad times, and moving on knowing that you have something, a blessing, that's for keeps. =) I believe that true friendship is forever... and i treasure the things and the times when my great friends and my best friend ;) write or say that "we are friends forever" or "forever friends" to me because through them I reminisce the ups and downs we had together, and be able to move on with life with such a nice contentment within. Jesus really blessed me with them (and of course my family as well is a great blessing(including my wonderful relatives ;)--> who are by default wonderful and true friends, bonded by blood and daily experiences)...
and Jesus... is the best best best friend of all... His selflessness and sacrifices for us, His wanting us although He knows us to the very atoms that we are consisted of and He knows very well the evil in us, His great love and care for us are overwhelming. He is a best friend at all times, and He deserves everything we are. He loved us so much that He died so that we may be saved from eternal damnation because of our sins, and enjoy the life that He has prepared for us, and we may be brought back to the Father. For we Christians live not to earn salvation, for it was already given to us by God's grace when we received Christ as our living Savior, but we live to "earn" rewards in heaven. Spreading the gospel is a must, doing good, living a righteous life, loving people (including enemies) etc., are some things we can do. Pride is a great hindrance to this, another is fear, and another is uncertainty. However, we should constantly ask for the Holy Spirit to guide us.
-myself-
a lot of things have been happening to me lately, things within... I'm always at a constant struggle battling with Satan in everything, many times I have nearly lost myself in the battle, but thanks to the Holy Spirit, I'm still up and fighting. Actually it's more of the we," we are still up and fighting", for I cannot fight the battle alone. I cannot even defend myself when I'm on my own.
If there is one very important fact that I would like to share with you right now, it would be:
JESUS IS SO REAL!
I have seen Him in this life, not through my physical eyes, but spiritually... Now that I know Him more than before, I can even see His hands working in my Life even though I tend to get drowned in difficult situations. The bible makes Him obvious in eveything.=)... He never hides Himself, all along He is just there beside us, always waiting. =).
The more crucial fact in life is that:
JESUS REALLY LOVES US
words are not enough to explain this love... but for sure, I'm existing because of this and we all are... I don't understand this "stubborn" love in any enlightening manner, but I'm blessed and overwhelmed by it. =)
JESUS IS GREAT!
¶ 4:19 PM 2 comments
I believe that the way you say about others, the way you criticize them is related to the way you are. You are either opposite to that "criticism" or similar...
back to friendship, if you consider your friends as gifts that last a lifetime and even beyond, you are as that to your friends. true friendship is mutual understanding not necessarily mutual giving and taking. I believe great friendships are based on giving, and expecting nothing in return at all. It's not giving up despite the barriers that arise in the course of time, such as geographical separation, a big quarrel that must be talked over with, and misunderstandings that must be settled with... It is holding on to the trust and the happy times together, growing up from the bad times, and moving on knowing that you have something, a blessing, that's for keeps. =) I believe that true friendship is forever... and i treasure the things and the times when my great friends and my best friend ;) write or say that "we are friends forever" or "forever friends" to me because through them I reminisce the ups and downs we had together, and be able to move on with life with such a nice contentment within. Jesus really blessed me with them (and of course my family as well is a great blessing(including my wonderful relatives ;)--> who are by default wonderful and true friends, bonded by blood and daily experiences)...
and Jesus... is the best best best friend of all... His selflessness and sacrifices for us, His wanting us although He knows us to the very atoms that we are consisted of and He knows very well the evil in us, His great love and care for us are overwhelming. He is a best friend at all times, and He deserves everything we are. He loved us so much that He died so that we may be saved from eternal damnation because of our sins, and enjoy the life that He has prepared for us, and we may be brought back to the Father. For we Christians live not to earn salvation, for it was already given to us by God's grace when we received Christ as our living Savior, but we live to "earn" rewards in heaven. Spreading the gospel is a must, doing good, living a righteous life, loving people (including enemies) etc., are some things we can do. Pride is a great hindrance to this, another is fear, and another is uncertainty. However, we should constantly ask for the Holy Spirit to guide us.
-myself-
a lot of things have been happening to me lately, things within... I'm always at a constant struggle battling with Satan in everything, many times I have nearly lost myself in the battle, but thanks to the Holy Spirit, I'm still up and fighting. Actually it's more of the we," we are still up and fighting", for I cannot fight the battle alone. I cannot even defend myself when I'm on my own.
If there is one very important fact that I would like to share with you right now, it would be:
JESUS IS SO REAL!
I have seen Him in this life, not through my physical eyes, but spiritually... Now that I know Him more than before, I can even see His hands working in my Life even though I tend to get drowned in difficult situations. The bible makes Him obvious in eveything.=)... He never hides Himself, all along He is just there beside us, always waiting. =).
The more crucial fact in life is that:
JESUS REALLY LOVES US
words are not enough to explain this love... but for sure, I'm existing because of this and we all are... I don't understand this "stubborn" love in any enlightening manner, but I'm blessed and overwhelmed by it. =)
JESUS IS GREAT!
¶ 4:19 PM 2 comments
maybe I'm a little like an effigy...
A gallant audience once commented that I acted my role so well... I looked scary and she added that its harder to be the "villain" than being the cutesy, innocent, protagonist character (yeah, I got the "villain" one)... But , within me, it's not hard at all... Not because I'm an actress, I don't even consider myself one (I hugely reconsidered about becoming one while I watched my fellow KRX pips acting) and also not because I got no lines to memorize BUT because being "evil" is not at all hard to do. It's just getting in sync with human nature... What's hard is trying to be collected, calm and good, and even godly, when everybody else seems to reject you or actually rejects you... That's damn hard...
well, you must be wondering what I'm talking about... it's about the play our hostel is having on the 21th of October. My role is, obviously, an effigy (sum kinda like a ghost)... No lines, just facial expressions, soft or quirky body movements... Not even much effort at all (for me)...=)
Im learning a lot from our rehearsals... At first I was pissed because it's taking too much of my time and my attention. It's stressing me every now and then, and my concentration always shifts on improving my actions rather than focusing on my tutorials... Hmm... maybe it takes a lot of concentration to act... Acting isn't just a mindless job... definitely, not at all. A lot of simulations must take place. A lot of what ifs, a lot of psychology, a lot of character, a lot of repetitions, a lot of changes, a lot of refocusing, a lot of attention, a lot of not minding the audience, a lot of a lot of things!!!! :)... it's interesting because it's actually something new for me... Stage acting is definitely something that can never be underestimated. as in NEVER!
It's nice to try something new every now and then :)... and it's worth the "risk" if we know how to appreciate what we are doing... If we keep on complaining, it wouldn't bring us anywhere, wouldn't it?
--my blog--
hours ago, I thought about spicing up this blog with a little of my humor... The level of seriousness of this thing MIGHT consume the readers... But then, well, who am I supposed to please??? (message to readers: ) maybe if there is a really funny experience, I would share it; or maybe along the way I can make funny remarks but never expect that this blog is meant for entertainment... This blog is the outlet of my other side that doesn't really show up in my interactions with people, except maybe during those dull moments when I don't talk at all... =)
oh well, enough of my blog and self evaluation. =)... until next time then :)
thanks for reading!
God bless!
¶ 2:57 PM 0 comments
A gallant audience once commented that I acted my role so well... I looked scary and she added that its harder to be the "villain" than being the cutesy, innocent, protagonist character (yeah, I got the "villain" one)... But , within me, it's not hard at all... Not because I'm an actress, I don't even consider myself one (I hugely reconsidered about becoming one while I watched my fellow KRX pips acting) and also not because I got no lines to memorize BUT because being "evil" is not at all hard to do. It's just getting in sync with human nature... What's hard is trying to be collected, calm and good, and even godly, when everybody else seems to reject you or actually rejects you... That's damn hard...
well, you must be wondering what I'm talking about... it's about the play our hostel is having on the 21th of October. My role is, obviously, an effigy (sum kinda like a ghost)... No lines, just facial expressions, soft or quirky body movements... Not even much effort at all (for me)...=)
Im learning a lot from our rehearsals... At first I was pissed because it's taking too much of my time and my attention. It's stressing me every now and then, and my concentration always shifts on improving my actions rather than focusing on my tutorials... Hmm... maybe it takes a lot of concentration to act... Acting isn't just a mindless job... definitely, not at all. A lot of simulations must take place. A lot of what ifs, a lot of psychology, a lot of character, a lot of repetitions, a lot of changes, a lot of refocusing, a lot of attention, a lot of not minding the audience, a lot of a lot of things!!!! :)... it's interesting because it's actually something new for me... Stage acting is definitely something that can never be underestimated. as in NEVER!
It's nice to try something new every now and then :)... and it's worth the "risk" if we know how to appreciate what we are doing... If we keep on complaining, it wouldn't bring us anywhere, wouldn't it?
--my blog--
hours ago, I thought about spicing up this blog with a little of my humor... The level of seriousness of this thing MIGHT consume the readers... But then, well, who am I supposed to please??? (message to readers: ) maybe if there is a really funny experience, I would share it; or maybe along the way I can make funny remarks but never expect that this blog is meant for entertainment... This blog is the outlet of my other side that doesn't really show up in my interactions with people, except maybe during those dull moments when I don't talk at all... =)
oh well, enough of my blog and self evaluation. =)... until next time then :)
thanks for reading!
God bless!
¶ 2:57 PM 0 comments
suddenly, I'm inspired to share.....
It's been a long time... It makes me wonder what happened to my old blog account and all the fiasco attempts of keeping up accounts that never really developed into one. I stopped writing before because I realised it's taking a lot of my time, maybe because I didn't have my own PC yet...
Maybe this time around, I could use my stagnant hours to something that might be more worthy than just slacking around. I want to write again, not only because I want to practise my English but because the Lord Jesus had shown , and taught me a lot of things about life that are worth sharing. One big factor that pushed me into finally making up my mind again is the life stories of people I just got involved myself with, and I believe that sharing them as well as my own could result to somethng nicer than just keeping them all to myself. Besides, we learn more when we share what we know.
Sometimes I lose heart to share, sometimes I get affected at what others might think, sometimes I'm just simply a total coward. But when I started to know Jesus beyond the superficial knowledge I have of Him, my principles, and myself started to change essentially because of the "stubborn" love that He has for all of us. Stubborn in the human/worldly point of view, because it's selfless and great. Nothing could separate us from this love... Nothing...
Jesus is real, that's the major thing that's been missing in many Christians today (His realism). They never really practise this reality in real life but just sees Him only when in church. I believe Christianity is not a religion, Jesus never established a religion when He came down rather He showed us how to live a life that is pleasing to God, in other words, Christianity is a lifestyle. Many Christians are also afraid to bring up the name of Jesus in conversations because they fear that people might laugh or scoff at them. If they say that they love Jesus, and yet thinks about what others might think (which is not usually the right intuition); they never really love Jesus but just their pride and self... Jesus and me are working on it... So my whole point is that being a Christian is living like a Christian, always thinking that Jesus is real and He is involved in everything that we do. It is very important that we involve Him in making our decisions, for in that way, we will be guided at the right path, but not necessarily easy (especially in the beginning) but rather bumpy and hard most of the time... But the end result will always be the best for us... For everything that He allows to happen in us are things that will prosper us and not to harm us, in the long run (because we are short-sighted people)...
--myself--
I posted a picture of Davao... it's now the object of my thoughts because I'm missing it... =)... it's normal but I just have to hold on, because the next time I see Davao again, it would be a wonderful, heartfelt meeting. By then, the eagerness to see home again must and should be escalated higher than the usual... =)...
and yeah... feel free to comment and ask questions about anything, or maybe especially about Christianity... I'm enjoying this lifestyle now, although I face difficulties every now and then, I enjoy Christ's company... Being with Him feels like being powerful yet weak, everything yet nothing... it's a wonderful experience... Powerful because everything is possible with Him, weak because you would recognise that you are only human , limited in that case, and through Christ we can do the impossible. Everything, because we can do the impossible, nothing could hinder us if we fully give ourselves to Him. Also, even though we are just humans (nothing compared to all His creations and wonders), God loves us and He'll do everything that is best for us; we are everything to Him, that He even offered His own Son so that we may be with Him. =)
before I end this entry, I'd like to share a passage that's been helping me to keep moving on:
"But those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles. They will run and not grow weary. They will walk and not be faint."
-Isaiah 40:31 (NIV)
¶ 7:35 AM 0 comments
Maybe this time around, I could use my stagnant hours to something that might be more worthy than just slacking around. I want to write again, not only because I want to practise my English but because the Lord Jesus had shown , and taught me a lot of things about life that are worth sharing. One big factor that pushed me into finally making up my mind again is the life stories of people I just got involved myself with, and I believe that sharing them as well as my own could result to somethng nicer than just keeping them all to myself. Besides, we learn more when we share what we know.
Sometimes I lose heart to share, sometimes I get affected at what others might think, sometimes I'm just simply a total coward. But when I started to know Jesus beyond the superficial knowledge I have of Him, my principles, and myself started to change essentially because of the "stubborn" love that He has for all of us. Stubborn in the human/worldly point of view, because it's selfless and great. Nothing could separate us from this love... Nothing...
Jesus is real, that's the major thing that's been missing in many Christians today (His realism). They never really practise this reality in real life but just sees Him only when in church. I believe Christianity is not a religion, Jesus never established a religion when He came down rather He showed us how to live a life that is pleasing to God, in other words, Christianity is a lifestyle. Many Christians are also afraid to bring up the name of Jesus in conversations because they fear that people might laugh or scoff at them. If they say that they love Jesus, and yet thinks about what others might think (which is not usually the right intuition); they never really love Jesus but just their pride and self... Jesus and me are working on it... So my whole point is that being a Christian is living like a Christian, always thinking that Jesus is real and He is involved in everything that we do. It is very important that we involve Him in making our decisions, for in that way, we will be guided at the right path, but not necessarily easy (especially in the beginning) but rather bumpy and hard most of the time... But the end result will always be the best for us... For everything that He allows to happen in us are things that will prosper us and not to harm us, in the long run (because we are short-sighted people)...
--myself--
I posted a picture of Davao... it's now the object of my thoughts because I'm missing it... =)... it's normal but I just have to hold on, because the next time I see Davao again, it would be a wonderful, heartfelt meeting. By then, the eagerness to see home again must and should be escalated higher than the usual... =)...
and yeah... feel free to comment and ask questions about anything, or maybe especially about Christianity... I'm enjoying this lifestyle now, although I face difficulties every now and then, I enjoy Christ's company... Being with Him feels like being powerful yet weak, everything yet nothing... it's a wonderful experience... Powerful because everything is possible with Him, weak because you would recognise that you are only human , limited in that case, and through Christ we can do the impossible. Everything, because we can do the impossible, nothing could hinder us if we fully give ourselves to Him. Also, even though we are just humans (nothing compared to all His creations and wonders), God loves us and He'll do everything that is best for us; we are everything to Him, that He even offered His own Son so that we may be with Him. =)
before I end this entry, I'd like to share a passage that's been helping me to keep moving on:
"But those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles. They will run and not grow weary. They will walk and not be faint."
-Isaiah 40:31 (NIV)
¶ 7:35 AM 0 comments
Wednesday, October 13, 2004
this is Davao, my home... I miss the place these days, largely because of the people I love. What makes a home home, is not the expensive facilities in it, or the size of it, but it's the comfort knowing that the ones you love are just around the corner... =)... I'm thankful that God gave me such wonderful gifts. = ) ¶ 4:09 PM 0 comments
