Tuesday, June 07, 2005
summer sighings
summer time...
reminisce...
Frankly, when I was 7, I was timid and was trying to tell the "world", my world that is, that I knew everything. When I was 12 I thought I knew enough. When I stepped into Pisay, I guessed that I needed a bit more... When I was 15 I thought, hey, maybe I it's already enough, all these aesthetically flowered topics and words are mere ornaments to decorate my head. I even thought I was matured enough after the turmoils I've faced. (In fact, unknown to myself I was just getting started.) When I turned 17, well, maybe I was wrong about what I said a couple of years ago. And now, that I have come of age, I guess I needed to get started again. Maybe I don't know enough. I don't know everything. I don't know anything at all. Is backward growth the key to actually grow? Or a remedy to those who foolishly thought that they could handle themselves? Erm...
Seriously, they say (personality tests) I'm the type who can fairly asses characters, but hugely indecisive... Very true especially for the latter. But I think I'm trying, I just hope I'm not going too far from what I think I could handle...I'm trying to decide... To choose who I really am... To myself, to my family, to my friends... selfish... Is that what I hold dear? (myself?) or are those (friends,family?) what I trully hold dear that I just can't give it all to Him?... sad life... What beauty to see things the way the Lord does. But it is actually hard... Nothing's easy anyway... And really, I do hold those dear to me... I'm not ready, I too coward. I'm too stubborn...
What's with my melancholy? Maybe I'm just like this when I write, rarely in person. Maybe I don't follow my ideals. Maybe I'm just scared. Maybe... Maybe... I don't know if this is the end of the so-called self-identity search of teens, or just the beginning, but for sure, I'm actually wondering inside. I'm being shut.
------------------------------------
Wow, I'm glad to hear Filipinos doing excellent stuff in NUS... Si Kuya Paul, ang galing... I'm in awe... I wish I can be like him.... But I'm too dismayed of myself... Maybe I needed more concentration or else I shall land way below what I dreamed of...
hmmm... Am I holding dear of my dreams?
------------------------------------
old friends...
they must be tired of my blabberings...
I'm tired of keeping in touch, they must be tired of hearing my stuff...
I think I better stop. I don't know if I shall be missed. But they are missed. I can't always look back now. I have tried, but they don't care (as I deem). They have new sets of friends now, and life must go on. Maybe they forgot me, who am I to be remembered anyway? I just keep on popping out of the corner. Maybe I should disappear for a while, a long one. ^_^
Maritoba... Forever... Letters... Food... Birthdays... Parties... Shakeys... ^_^
I guess I must move on as well... Maintain what I can keep and find new ones too... But they, the past, will not be forgotten, and like what I said before, they will always be a part of my life... Always...
Maybe they all say in chorus that I too must move on, for myself. They can't always be there for me, for I am not with them. And in the same manner, I can't always be there for them. We have parted 2 years/ 6 years ago, why didn't I hammer that to my head? at least to avoid some pain ya? stupid me... I must have loved them dearly that I just can't let go, but I can't be happy anyway. Stupid... But I have my reasons. I just can't decide...
Fare you well old friends. I shall not bother you again. I don't know if you could get the chance to read this post, but maybe this will serve some commitment for myself, that I shall stop. I'm not gonna give up friendship, that's crazy. I'm just gonna move on and live with new ones... Adapt and survive normally, not depending too much on virtual relationships and the like but on actual tears and craziness, fun times and parties, trials, etc...
-------------------------------
Maybe I hold myself dearly... I wouldn't be writing melancholic stuff especially about myself if the Lord did not hammer ME. For six years, I have been living away from my family and I guess for many many more years still. For such a time, the long 6 years,I have felt the need of independence, I believed that I can't survive without it. I have separated myself from indulgent socializations. I only had myself. A lone traveller... Maybe that's why people find people like me to be weird (i.e. who can eat alone in dining tables, who can opt to travel alone, who usually do things alone-jog,play,etc) because I have learned and had no choice but to detach myself from too much dependence in being with others. I'm not scared to be alone because ever since I usually was, physically (sanayan lang kung baga);however, the Lord protects me. I actually love company, but I can't be drawn back from my errands without one.
------------------------------
memories will always be mine...
God bless!
------------------------------- ¶ 9:08 PM
reminisce...
Frankly, when I was 7, I was timid and was trying to tell the "world", my world that is, that I knew everything. When I was 12 I thought I knew enough. When I stepped into Pisay, I guessed that I needed a bit more... When I was 15 I thought, hey, maybe I it's already enough, all these aesthetically flowered topics and words are mere ornaments to decorate my head. I even thought I was matured enough after the turmoils I've faced. (In fact, unknown to myself I was just getting started.) When I turned 17, well, maybe I was wrong about what I said a couple of years ago. And now, that I have come of age, I guess I needed to get started again. Maybe I don't know enough. I don't know everything. I don't know anything at all. Is backward growth the key to actually grow? Or a remedy to those who foolishly thought that they could handle themselves? Erm...
Seriously, they say (personality tests) I'm the type who can fairly asses characters, but hugely indecisive... Very true especially for the latter. But I think I'm trying, I just hope I'm not going too far from what I think I could handle...I'm trying to decide... To choose who I really am... To myself, to my family, to my friends... selfish... Is that what I hold dear? (myself?) or are those (friends,family?) what I trully hold dear that I just can't give it all to Him?... sad life... What beauty to see things the way the Lord does. But it is actually hard... Nothing's easy anyway... And really, I do hold those dear to me... I'm not ready, I too coward. I'm too stubborn...
What's with my melancholy? Maybe I'm just like this when I write, rarely in person. Maybe I don't follow my ideals. Maybe I'm just scared. Maybe... Maybe... I don't know if this is the end of the so-called self-identity search of teens, or just the beginning, but for sure, I'm actually wondering inside. I'm being shut.
------------------------------------
Wow, I'm glad to hear Filipinos doing excellent stuff in NUS... Si Kuya Paul, ang galing... I'm in awe... I wish I can be like him.... But I'm too dismayed of myself... Maybe I needed more concentration or else I shall land way below what I dreamed of...
hmmm... Am I holding dear of my dreams?
------------------------------------
old friends...
they must be tired of my blabberings...
I'm tired of keeping in touch, they must be tired of hearing my stuff...
I think I better stop. I don't know if I shall be missed. But they are missed. I can't always look back now. I have tried, but they don't care (as I deem). They have new sets of friends now, and life must go on. Maybe they forgot me, who am I to be remembered anyway? I just keep on popping out of the corner. Maybe I should disappear for a while, a long one. ^_^
Maritoba... Forever... Letters... Food... Birthdays... Parties... Shakeys... ^_^
I guess I must move on as well... Maintain what I can keep and find new ones too... But they, the past, will not be forgotten, and like what I said before, they will always be a part of my life... Always...
Maybe they all say in chorus that I too must move on, for myself. They can't always be there for me, for I am not with them. And in the same manner, I can't always be there for them. We have parted 2 years/ 6 years ago, why didn't I hammer that to my head? at least to avoid some pain ya? stupid me... I must have loved them dearly that I just can't let go, but I can't be happy anyway. Stupid... But I have my reasons. I just can't decide...
Fare you well old friends. I shall not bother you again. I don't know if you could get the chance to read this post, but maybe this will serve some commitment for myself, that I shall stop. I'm not gonna give up friendship, that's crazy. I'm just gonna move on and live with new ones... Adapt and survive normally, not depending too much on virtual relationships and the like but on actual tears and craziness, fun times and parties, trials, etc...
-------------------------------
Maybe I hold myself dearly... I wouldn't be writing melancholic stuff especially about myself if the Lord did not hammer ME. For six years, I have been living away from my family and I guess for many many more years still. For such a time, the long 6 years,I have felt the need of independence, I believed that I can't survive without it. I have separated myself from indulgent socializations. I only had myself. A lone traveller... Maybe that's why people find people like me to be weird (i.e. who can eat alone in dining tables, who can opt to travel alone, who usually do things alone-jog,play,etc) because I have learned and had no choice but to detach myself from too much dependence in being with others. I'm not scared to be alone because ever since I usually was, physically (sanayan lang kung baga);however, the Lord protects me. I actually love company, but I can't be drawn back from my errands without one.
------------------------------
memories will always be mine...
God bless!
------------------------------- ¶ 9:08 PM
