weakness...etc etc there are many times when I wanted to give up
in fact, I have given up many battles
many of which I never even dared to fight...

there are many times when I wanted to escape
all the while, I was just trying to run away
to nowhere...

there are many times when I wanted to pretend
but all those times I was just fooling around
only to hurt myself more...

there are many times when I just wanted to die
but heck, I just can't
my life is not mine...

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i wanted to be a strong person
only to find myself wallowing in weaknesses

i wanted to be away from the world
but i just keep on getting hurt running in the middle of it

i wanted to hide in a blanket
only to get suffocated from cowardice and surmounting troubles

i wanted to chase all my troubles away
but it seems like I'm keeping them longer

i wanted my questions to be answered
but they just keep on piling up

i wanted to get away from getting distressed
but that only means to stay away from myself

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Honestly there are even times when I wanted to talk to my father.... I wanted to ask, but I really don't know what to say. Actually, what can I do? He's already dead, face it Ivy. You know it's all gone why dwell on it?... Nothing can be done except to wait for that day when you meet again somewhere in Hade's paradise.

I'm not mourning. It's been six years. I guess I'm just not too stupid to keep myself in constant shock of disbelief. My father's dead! My grandpas' are all dead, my uncles and an aunt are dead. My mom's coworkers (healthier they may be) died in an awful car crash... But you know what? I'm not crying anymore. Death is a fact of life... They say death is the last enemy. We shouldn't be scared, people die--> That's only normal. Many people are even scared to die... That's even more normal...

I have learned some lesson back in the hospital, when my momma's doctor talked with sense. (she appears to be mukhang pera--> somebody's judgement...not mine). She said she had a patient once, who got limb by a car accident. Then years later, she was diagnosed with cancer. The doctor wondered why her patient seemed to be happy, with all smiles despite those "sufferings". One day, she finally saw her patient crying. Now, the doctor was even more troubled to note that she's not that way. Then she took the move and asked her why this time she was crying... Then she said: " Doc, nakita mo yung plane crash sa Samal? Kahit na mas healthy sila sa akin, ako buhay pa hanggang ngayon. Binigyan din ako ng chance ni Lord na iprepare ang aking soul, pero sila, tingnan mo, di man lang binigyan ng chance na iprepare sarili nila, namatay sila agad na wala man lang warning."---> in english " Doc, have you seen the plane crash in Samal? Even though they have healthier bodies than mine, I'm still alive up to today. God gave me a chance to prepare my soul, but look at them, they didn't even have that chance, they just died without warning"==(info : there was a plane crash in samal island, nobody survived, body parts were even scattered throughout the crash site (i.e. hands hanging on a coconut tree--> found by their stinking rots)).

True. Seeing the good things beyond what we deem bad. His ways are indeed higher than ours. What's good may actually appear bad, especially in first impressions. God devices ways to change the hearts of those He loves. He loves us all. Only God can change our appointment with death. There's nothing and nobody more powerful than Him. Love is the most powerful. (reminds me... somebody just underestimated love as just "a feeling"... well, let's just see how that feeling can make that person's world go round...)

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Oh well, I'm just in this sinking feeling...
Depressing.
But anyway, I'm never alone.
I believe in God. Actually, He is real, and I don't have to prove it to anyone.  ¶ 8:51 PM