Saturday, August 13, 2005
unsatiable
This is a pretty serious entry.
But I have to digress first.
Anyway, yesterday we had this A block initiation thingy, and these fellow A blockers loved the dish Amanda and I prepared. It was good I think, crepes stuff. The super senior Gerald helped me distribute it, and we named it with several not-attractive-at-all names i.e. sandwiches, beansprout sandwiches, cucumber prata, beansprout prata, shuillullavallum, and other beansprout whatever. Hehe. But the thng is, they don't have beansprout at all nor cucumber, they have a lot of cheese and meat and some veges and secret ingredients ^_^.
I bluffed a lot. Played with freshies the way the seniors played with freshies last year. I observed that no matter how dull things are, they can get exciting through psychological orientation. It's actually really true that everything's just in the mind. I also had a little chitchat with this guy named Peter, exchange student, American cit., Korean, from California and interestingly have been to the US army for 3 years. I met some freshies in my floor, ate some chiken divine, a very delicious chocolate moist cake, cheese shlongs, fry lyes (fried rice), potato and pasta salad ^_^, onion rings, cheese cake, mud pie, banana choc, and this other chocolate dish. Got a full tummy afterwards! ^_^. Geez Im just glad that my big legs endure quite a jog, I improved compared to last year when I was just catching my breath halfway the jog.^_^. Maybe I'm meant to be sporty but too psychologically hindered to go for it.
In the good side, and far out as well, I like my room! It's really windy especially when I leave my door and windows open! Cool breeze! yeah ^_^
---------------unsatiable-------------------
I feel this certain kind of remorse. For myself mostly. Why have I gotten myself on this kind of mess? Everybody seems to know what they are doing but me. I don't know! I'm half desperate and half discouraged, always dwelling in the gray areas. I got no where to go. I don't like this.
My dreams are gone in my heart, thanks to the great confusion. I must have misunderstood things. I'm falling off the cliff and I need someone to grab me back. But who? As if someone knows how anyway, even I don't. Besides, everyone's too busy too care, even I'm too busy to care for myself. I'm just too distracted. Lost.
Anyway, back to the great confusion. I guess it must have been distorting me for ages. It has been with me since I opted to have a deeper relationship with Him, which is like 2 years ago. Beliefs of people were incorporated into mine, however, maybe due to imperfections, they have created turmoil in my mind. During the process, I lost my dreams and ambitions. Now, I'm just lying to myself that they are still my dreams but the truth is, there is already no substance in them. They're gone.
I want to blame those people. I want to tell them "look what you have done to me!. I don't find any other meaning in me, I'm a coward to evangelize and now since I find that my dreams are no longer worth doing, what should be done? Honestly, I'd rather be that old driven me who finds future in my dreams; I was on my way back then.However, I have another dream now, that is for the Lord, but I feel to weak for that. Not driven at all. I lost the future... maybe..."
But you see, I couldn't blame them. They're actually better individuals than I am. Better believers I daresay. I am but a puny little creature trying to advance myself in that spiritual realm, where we are all meant to be and where we can be truly be satisfied. But like I said before, I'm dwindling in the gray areas, which is similar to nowhere.
Maybe this time around, I am alone, for I have isolated myself. I left without even thinking.
The reason why I have been slacking now is because I'm too confused. I'm mourning for those dreams. Something can be done but it hasn't been revealed to me yet. I wish to be saved again.
This is the feeling when I was supposed to be in the right path but gone astray, confused and always unsatiable until I find my way back again.
------------------ ¶ 2:33 PM
But I have to digress first.
Anyway, yesterday we had this A block initiation thingy, and these fellow A blockers loved the dish Amanda and I prepared. It was good I think, crepes stuff. The super senior Gerald helped me distribute it, and we named it with several not-attractive-at-all names i.e. sandwiches, beansprout sandwiches, cucumber prata, beansprout prata, shuillullavallum, and other beansprout whatever. Hehe. But the thng is, they don't have beansprout at all nor cucumber, they have a lot of cheese and meat and some veges and secret ingredients ^_^.
I bluffed a lot. Played with freshies the way the seniors played with freshies last year. I observed that no matter how dull things are, they can get exciting through psychological orientation. It's actually really true that everything's just in the mind. I also had a little chitchat with this guy named Peter, exchange student, American cit., Korean, from California and interestingly have been to the US army for 3 years. I met some freshies in my floor, ate some chiken divine, a very delicious chocolate moist cake, cheese shlongs, fry lyes (fried rice), potato and pasta salad ^_^, onion rings, cheese cake, mud pie, banana choc, and this other chocolate dish. Got a full tummy afterwards! ^_^. Geez Im just glad that my big legs endure quite a jog, I improved compared to last year when I was just catching my breath halfway the jog.^_^. Maybe I'm meant to be sporty but too psychologically hindered to go for it.
In the good side, and far out as well, I like my room! It's really windy especially when I leave my door and windows open! Cool breeze! yeah ^_^
---------------unsatiable-------------------
I feel this certain kind of remorse. For myself mostly. Why have I gotten myself on this kind of mess? Everybody seems to know what they are doing but me. I don't know! I'm half desperate and half discouraged, always dwelling in the gray areas. I got no where to go. I don't like this.
My dreams are gone in my heart, thanks to the great confusion. I must have misunderstood things. I'm falling off the cliff and I need someone to grab me back. But who? As if someone knows how anyway, even I don't. Besides, everyone's too busy too care, even I'm too busy to care for myself. I'm just too distracted. Lost.
Anyway, back to the great confusion. I guess it must have been distorting me for ages. It has been with me since I opted to have a deeper relationship with Him, which is like 2 years ago. Beliefs of people were incorporated into mine, however, maybe due to imperfections, they have created turmoil in my mind. During the process, I lost my dreams and ambitions. Now, I'm just lying to myself that they are still my dreams but the truth is, there is already no substance in them. They're gone.
I want to blame those people. I want to tell them "look what you have done to me!. I don't find any other meaning in me, I'm a coward to evangelize and now since I find that my dreams are no longer worth doing, what should be done? Honestly, I'd rather be that old driven me who finds future in my dreams; I was on my way back then.However, I have another dream now, that is for the Lord, but I feel to weak for that. Not driven at all. I lost the future... maybe..."
But you see, I couldn't blame them. They're actually better individuals than I am. Better believers I daresay. I am but a puny little creature trying to advance myself in that spiritual realm, where we are all meant to be and where we can be truly be satisfied. But like I said before, I'm dwindling in the gray areas, which is similar to nowhere.
Maybe this time around, I am alone, for I have isolated myself. I left without even thinking.
The reason why I have been slacking now is because I'm too confused. I'm mourning for those dreams. Something can be done but it hasn't been revealed to me yet. I wish to be saved again.
This is the feeling when I was supposed to be in the right path but gone astray, confused and always unsatiable until I find my way back again.
------------------ ¶ 2:33 PM
